dear legs,
i know you've been on vacation for a little over 2 months now but i'd like to request that you attempt to focus on your tasks at hand. i don't believe this is too much to ask but am willing to work with you on this. i promise not to overwork you and in such cases as overtime is needed i vow to reward with time in the hot tub, a massage, or something of the like. i feel this is a valid compromise for both of us and would appreciate if you would begin to show up on time for workouts, cooperate during runs, and stay awake during spins. i look forward to our time together and hope that our time will be mutually beneficial. please feel free to talk to me at any time with any concerns or if you wish to change the benefits package for overtime compensation.
much love,
~danban
4/20/09
building a better relationship
this week marks another milestone and this one isn't just a milestone for this year but a milestone with my unhealthy relationship with food. i've had a very love/hate relationship with food and eating for double digits worth of years and i'm consciously making a decision to improve my thoughts/feelings around eating.
it started in junior high when i secluded myself into my room with a good book and a snack or two or three or four or. . . . i was hiding from the world and the best way to escape at that time was to escape into someone else's adventure. . . . someone else's life. i gained a lot of weight and didn't care at all. wasn't self-conscious about it or what others thought of me.
during high school i became more aware of other's perceptions of how i looked and it started to affect how i felt about myself. i didn't do a whole lot to change my eating habits and started to feel a little lost in the world of soccer player friends i'd had. one low point i remember is trying out for varsity and getting laughed at by some underclassmen by the way i jiggled. after only making jv, i started changing the way i ate and dressed. i ate less and dressed to cover what was there.
in college, i got myself so busy i didn't have time to eat. to start the day, i'd have some oatmeal or a granola bar if i remembered. i'd pack a slim fast bar or two and head out for a good 10 hours on campus barely pausing to eat. if i got really hungry i'd get a granola bar on campus to supplant another slim fast bar or an actual meal. i would scavange some sort of dinner when i got home but usually ended up eating a veggie salad with some gorganzola and called it good enough. yes, there were times where i'd actually go out to eat (LOVE Lenny's) or share a pizza with someone. i was constantly on the move, working too many hours, over-involved with martial arts, and barely saw my roommates unless they visited at the pub or Greetings.
one of the worst spells when i lived in houston for an internship. i was seeing a nutritionist, a personal trainer, and counting every calorie to attempt to stay at a 6 or even down to a 4 at one point. i was obsessed with what i ate/drank and the obsession was actually kind of scary looking back at it. when i got back to school, i realized that was not working for me and i couldn't continue to live my life in fear of food. i resumed my previous diet and felt "better".
i didn't eat minimalistically on intentionally to lose weight but it worked for exactly that purpose for the most part. i sustained this type of diet through to DC and actually gave up breakfast altogether when i got a "real" job. i ate more of a lunch than just a slim fast bar but my diet wasn't that much better than the college routine. up til about 2/3 months ago, i didn't realize that this type of diet/lifestyle wasn't actually healthy. i thought it was fine cause it was sustaining the weight if not losing a couple of pounds here or there. wow - i was WRONG!
i was eating just to get by not because i actually enjoyed it. i'd grown an idea that if i ate in front of people, and ate the wrong things or too much of something, they'd think "oh THAT is why she's overweight". i've had a very distorted perception of what i look like throughout the years no matter if i was a size 12 or a size 6. in the mirror, i have always been a size 16. these thoughts aren't normal (i've come to find out) and i'm working on seeing myself as others see me instead of as a continuously overweight and generally unattractive person.
i went to see Kim Mueller and she put together a plan for me and this week starts the time in my life when i'm going to eat as i ought to eat. i'm going to get healthy foods into my body and i'm sure at some point this will become fun/enjoyable. i need to get to the point where i don't judge myself for what i eat and how often. today is day one in what is going to be a life altering change!
~danban
it started in junior high when i secluded myself into my room with a good book and a snack or two or three or four or. . . . i was hiding from the world and the best way to escape at that time was to escape into someone else's adventure. . . . someone else's life. i gained a lot of weight and didn't care at all. wasn't self-conscious about it or what others thought of me.
during high school i became more aware of other's perceptions of how i looked and it started to affect how i felt about myself. i didn't do a whole lot to change my eating habits and started to feel a little lost in the world of soccer player friends i'd had. one low point i remember is trying out for varsity and getting laughed at by some underclassmen by the way i jiggled. after only making jv, i started changing the way i ate and dressed. i ate less and dressed to cover what was there.
in college, i got myself so busy i didn't have time to eat. to start the day, i'd have some oatmeal or a granola bar if i remembered. i'd pack a slim fast bar or two and head out for a good 10 hours on campus barely pausing to eat. if i got really hungry i'd get a granola bar on campus to supplant another slim fast bar or an actual meal. i would scavange some sort of dinner when i got home but usually ended up eating a veggie salad with some gorganzola and called it good enough. yes, there were times where i'd actually go out to eat (LOVE Lenny's) or share a pizza with someone. i was constantly on the move, working too many hours, over-involved with martial arts, and barely saw my roommates unless they visited at the pub or Greetings.
one of the worst spells when i lived in houston for an internship. i was seeing a nutritionist, a personal trainer, and counting every calorie to attempt to stay at a 6 or even down to a 4 at one point. i was obsessed with what i ate/drank and the obsession was actually kind of scary looking back at it. when i got back to school, i realized that was not working for me and i couldn't continue to live my life in fear of food. i resumed my previous diet and felt "better".
i didn't eat minimalistically on intentionally to lose weight but it worked for exactly that purpose for the most part. i sustained this type of diet through to DC and actually gave up breakfast altogether when i got a "real" job. i ate more of a lunch than just a slim fast bar but my diet wasn't that much better than the college routine. up til about 2/3 months ago, i didn't realize that this type of diet/lifestyle wasn't actually healthy. i thought it was fine cause it was sustaining the weight if not losing a couple of pounds here or there. wow - i was WRONG!
i was eating just to get by not because i actually enjoyed it. i'd grown an idea that if i ate in front of people, and ate the wrong things or too much of something, they'd think "oh THAT is why she's overweight". i've had a very distorted perception of what i look like throughout the years no matter if i was a size 12 or a size 6. in the mirror, i have always been a size 16. these thoughts aren't normal (i've come to find out) and i'm working on seeing myself as others see me instead of as a continuously overweight and generally unattractive person.
i went to see Kim Mueller and she put together a plan for me and this week starts the time in my life when i'm going to eat as i ought to eat. i'm going to get healthy foods into my body and i'm sure at some point this will become fun/enjoyable. i need to get to the point where i don't judge myself for what i eat and how often. today is day one in what is going to be a life altering change!
~danban
4/14/09
a new season
well this week signifies a shift in the life of the danban......training begins again! tonight, time with bri at 24 and at least an hour of an aerobic workout (running/elipse/stationary bike). tomorrow, master swim with kb in la jolla. thurs, repeat of today. friday will be a spin to see how the knee will respond on sat. flat (as much as it can be) ride up the coast to get my legs back under me. sun will be another aerobic workout. of course this all depends on how much my knee cooperates and any of the aerobic workouts can be substituted for yoga if the knee craps out on me. there my friends is the plan and you're welcome to hold me to it!
i've had enough of the complaicency and am ready to get moving again. i need to get my butt in gear for V-man since my little sis is going to come and cheer me on and i wanna do myself proud on that day once again. and honestly, i'm just tired of feeling so lazy! yes, i know i needed to keep myself stationary for a while to let my knee heel but enough is enough!! no, i won't over do it and i will listen to my knee when it tells me enough is enough. i'm just getting excited to start training for V-man again and this week starts it off.
this weekend was a weekend of another type of discovery. i'm no longer going to allow people into my life that see me as a friend of convienence. what i mean by that is that i have people in my life that seem to just find it purposeful to have me around once in a while when it serves their current needs best. i'm not saying these people behave this way malisciously or on purpose....in fact, i believe they don't even realize they treat others this way. what i've found that's interesting is that they seem to befriend each other and that works for them but i'm getting out of the tangle altogether. i'm not saying i'm going to cut anyone out of my life that i don't see or talk to on a regular basis but what i'm saying is that i'm not going to be walked over any longer by friend or family member. comes down to that age old addage.....do unto others......
~danban
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