please help

thanksgiving is the time of giving and i'm asking for your help. my friend and his wife have a son who was diagnosed with tay-sachs disease which so far is incurable. Gavin is only 3 yet his life may be coming to an end soon. his parents, Ferdi and Jan, have done all that they can think of and more in order to find some hope for their baby boy.

Ferdi's cousin has put together a fundraiser for Gavin and his family as well as for a cure for tay-sachs. please visit this link and either donate or purchase some of the handmade Christmas cards to help the Marquez's.

you can read more about Gavin and his family here.

much love and thanks,
~danban

it's my time

over the last months i've gotten lots of questions coming upon race day and considering my first Iron and i've been stewing over some of them in my head for far too long so i thought i'd write it all out......

what motivates me to race at all let alone consider an Ironman?
though there are too many things to list here, i'll give you a general overview..... because there were those that thought i could and wouldn't (including at one time, myself), because my friend Tim never will have the chance, because there are so many who pass through the City of Hope who also never will have the chance, because my brother now has the chance should he choose to, because it's a place of solitude for me to work on improving myself just for myself, because i enjoy the challenge, because i want to find and break as many of my personal walls/barriers as i can find, because it allows me to see more of this glorious world that so many take for granted, because it allows me time to work through frustrations and come to peace with what troubles my mind, but mostly because i enjoy it! i enjoy the time on the bike, the solitary time in the swim yet the challenge of the master's crew, zoning out while running, training with a good group of friends, and a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day knowing that i'm out there doing something that most people don't ever aspire to attempt.

why an Ironman? why not just be content with olympic or half distances?
because it's another threshold i'm still not sure i can cross. it's more a mental barrier than a physical one as is my ongoing weigh issues. these are things i'm going to change by March 6, 2010. i'm going to do it to prove to myself that no matter the road ahead (all 140.6), i will make it to my destination and i will do it with a smile!

what will i do after New Zealand?
find a new challenge to better myself. no, it may not be a new physical goal for a while after the race but i'll no longer allow myself to become complacent. and as to physical goals......who knows! maybe i'll move onto a more difficult Iron, maybe i'll be content with halves, maybe i'll move into the world of centuries, or maybe i'll follow my father's footsteps and just keep running. only time will tell.....

i've been kicking myself the last few months because i've been slacking. in truth, i've forgotten or chosen to ignore those things that keep me going that get my blood boiling and light a fire under my arse. i disappointed myself in my last two halves and choose to remedy that for the next half and the bigger goal of New Zealand.

it's time to stop hiding behind laziness and cowardice and just put everything i've got into it. it's time to stop allowing a job to dictate my schedule more than my desire to make something better of myself. it is after all just a job and what i do there won't determine anyone's fate or move mountains. it's time to focus on a bigger picture rather than the day to day. it's time for me to get serious.

~danban

v-man round 2

race report from my second attempt at Vineman:

swim: i was wading out at the start line chatting with susan, aran, and joanna and felt myself actually calm and the plan of attack for the day was clear. my plan was to take it nice and easy and attempt to make it through the run as well as last year. we start and i actually wasn't pummeled by all the women around me which is a nice change from every other race i've done! i kept a decent rythm and even drafted for a while.

just before the turn around bouy i felt hands on my ankles and calves as the men's wave behind us had caught up to me and they were attempting to drown me in order to speed up their races. i couldn't believe it as i'm NO threat to their winning a spot for clearwater since i'm not even in their gender let alone age group! regardless, i got fed up with it and on a few of the guys frog kicked to get them to leave me alone :)

all in all, the swim felt decent though i managed to be a few minutes slower than last year. estimated time: 41 mins

t1: this is not the easiest transition as there are hard rocks underfoot and not much carpet from the swim to the actual bikes. i noticed that mine was one of the few left on my rack and attempted to get out of my wet suit as quickly as possible so i could catch up with the girls on the bike. the one mistake i made here was not having a towel to stand on or water to wash off my feet before putting them into my bike shoes so i kept trying to swipe them on my wetsuit which wasted a little time.

i packed my bag, handed it to keith, asked my time, and headed out. on the way out i saw trent and heather and picked up my run up the hill with my bike to heed trent's advice and "hammer it". estimated t1 time: 7 mins

bike: it started off a little chilly and i never quite got the feeling back into my toes through the whole of the course. my plan of attack was to keep it comfortable and not push too much as i knew the run was going to be more rough on me this year than last for lack of training. nothing spectacular about the ride. i did pass a few girls in my age group including aran and amanda. i passed the area where the tree had taken out a few competitors though all that remained was the fire trucks and a cop car.

somewhere close to the chalk hill turn i saw coach melekian and yelled for him as he flew by me. going up chalk hill i saw jason changing a tire and was surprised that he didn't pass me along the bike course on the way to t2. all in all, pretty uneventful but a very nice course and one of my favorite rides (including chalk hill)!

overall i think i actually held back a little too much on the bike and could've gotten closer to a 3 hour bike but ended up with a 3:25 bike which isn't tooooo shabby and a personal PR for this distance of a course.

t2: i heard my fam yelling as i rounded the corner into t2 and ran my bike to my spot. i got there and noticed that yet again, someone had knocked my stuff around. never fails to happen yet somehow i'm always surprised. i threw off my helmet and threw on my hat. put on the socks and shoes and grabbed my water bottle. i skipped the water over the head as i'd already put my socks and shoes on and decided to skip the sunblock as i was trying out the marty method of sunblock which i'd find out later didn't work for me! estimated time 4 mins

run: started out fabulously as jennafer was there to run the first 100 yards with me and then bry and matt were there for some pictures as i headed out on what would promise to be a VERY hot run.

i started out and right away knew i had repeated my mistake from last year as i didn't use the restroom in t2. i hit the first aide station with port o potties and had to wait but i knew i wouldn't make it another mile to the next stop so i stretched as my calves felt like solid rock. the stretching definitely helped and when i headed back out, i felt like i could possibly repeat last year's time which i'd be more than happy with!

i kept an eye out for people i knew and ended up running a bit with a breakaway girl until she dropped back. i saw coach melekian again and he looked like he was flying so i yelled something about how he looked like he was doing well and kept on movin! i later saw chris and made a peanut joke :) for the most part, i was running the flats and downhills and walking all up hills in an effort to attempt to save my legs. this is what i did last year and seemed to be working for me again.

somewhere around mile 5 or 6 i realized that i'd been socializing too much and not really paying attention to my nutrition and downed a gu and two salt tabs which would turn out to be a mistake. i got to the beginning of la crema and realized that i really should've been slower to take in that gu and started to feel sick. i walked the second pond (except where the photographer was!) and stopped a sec at the bathroom past the aide station.

i passed jason as i was leaving for mile 7 and he was just getting to la crema. i was really starting to feel the heat and the improper nutrition on the beginning of my run so was walking more than just the uphills which was discouraging.

i hear a panting and feel a bit of water on my left shoulder and realize that BG is now walking next to me! it was great to see him even if he did look about like i felt :) i really didn't think i was going to be able to keep up with him but we ended up running the rest together which was a lifesaver for me!! i'd talk us into and out of running and walking and since he was there, i talked us into more running than either of us really wanted to do.

we saw veva and yelled some encouragements back and forth, saw penny and paused for a hug, saw jodi and praised her swim as we all knew she was more than capable, saw iris and encouraged her to just keep on keepin on. saw steve at the last aide station and knew we only had about a mile and a quarter left. we ran the first stretch, then walked a bit so we could run the last mile into the finish. we ran into the finisher's chute and though we were going to die but knew we HAD to finish with a good run so put the gas back on :0) estimated run time 3 hrs, 11 mins

it was great to finish with BG and see my fam there cheering and taking pictures and see Team there being supportive even if i did only train with them a handful of times!

all in all, not a bad race even though i really felt like i should have done better. i've been kickin my butt about the fact that i really should've trained more and let work take more of a back seat. good lessons for pumpkin man and Ironman New Zealand!

~danban

dazed and confused

there's a hole in my heart like one of the four that took the life of my dear friend. others may not notice on a daily basis but it's there and Tim's never far from my thoughts and love. he had so much love to give and gave it freely. he was one of the most generous souls you could ever hope to meet and i wish you all could have met him. he was truly unforgettable, larger than this world could hold, and gave bear hugs like no other ever has. i miss his smile, his laugh, his love, his sparkling eyes when he was up to mischievous things.......i just miss my friend.

i find i have an inability to interact with people today as i feel that they should be as impacted by today's loss as i am. i get frustrated that they don't understand what a loss i'm feeling and that they should feel. i know it's ridiculous but i just can't help feeling that others need to understand the pain i feel on this day. so, i hide behind my headphones and keep plugging away at work that seems tedious.

what i really want to do is go back to sleep and skip this day entirely though i know that won't take away the reality that two years ago today my friend was killed and is gone forever. i still half expect to see him pop his head over the fence at every bbq and clean up all the food yet uneaten. yet that food gets packed away as left overs and there is no Tim to drop by for a beer and bbq.

once again i'm lost in my own world of memories and emotion. tends to freak out everyone around me as i am typically their rock. today this rock crumbles with the knowledge that in an instant, life was taken from someone who deserved far better from this world than the end he met. i can't help but linger in memories of Tim as they're all we have left. yes, getting together and telling Tim stories helps build new memories with him but it's just not the same. it can't possibly be the same if he's not there to punctuate it with his laugh. and so i'll float though this day and tomorrow won't be quite as painful......

"Float"

Drank away the rest of the day,
Wonder what my liver would say,
Drink... That's all you can.

Blackened days With their bigger gales,
Blow in your parlor to discuss the day,
Listen... That's all you can.

Ah but don't, no don't sink the boat,
That you built, you built to keep afloat.
Ah no don't, no don't sink the boat,
That you built...

Sick and tired of what to say,
No one listens anyway,
Sing... That's all you can.

Rambling years of lousy luck,
Ya miss the smell of burning turf,
Dream... That's all you can.

Ah but don't, no don't sink the boat,
That you Built, you built to keep afloat,
Ah no don't, no don't sink the boat,
That you built... That you built to keep afloat.

Singled out for who you are,
Takes all types to judge a man,
Feel... That's all you can.

Filthy suits with bigger ears,
Hide behind their their own worst fears,
Live... That's all you can.

It's all you can.
It's all you can... do.

No matter where I put my head,
I wake up feeling sound again,
Breath... It's all you can.

Tomorrow smells of less decay,
The flowers create this blooming fray,
Be thankful... That's all you can.

Ah but don't, don't sink the boat,
That you Built, you built to keep afloat.


i'll leave work early today and go visit Tim on my own terms. feel that cold marble that holds all that remains of my friend. get all puffy faced from crying even though i'm sure that's not what Tim would want. it just feels impossible to celebrate the life of someone you miss so terribly. i may seem partially absent today as i did last year but please be patient with me and let me reflect on the short time i did have with my friend.


hold all that you love dear to you and let everyone you love know it on a regular basis as you'll never know when your last embrace, conversation, smile shared will be.

much love and sorrow
~danban

the wrong kind of family reunion

our family went and visited a lost yet never forgotten friend yesterday. i learned from the Traaen's that the destroyer of lives is going away for a bare minimum of 20 years because he was already a convicted felon and was in possession of a gun. Mason was heavily involved in gangs and even has shooting charges against him for attempting to kill his partners in crime. there are a total of 24 counts against the three and they were indicted on 23 of them. the devil incarnate is charged with 19, one of witch includes murdering my friend. his trial is set for Dec 6th though will probably get pushed out to Jan or Feb as it's too close to the holidays. seems odd to me that we get to tip toe around other people's holidays when Tim will never get to celebrate with us again. sad and cruel reality.

i wonder that a man like Mason can have 5 shooting charges against him and hold absolutely no respect or regard for life. it must be so since he didn't consider the impacts of what he's done to those of us who are left with only memories. the emptiness that's left behind from having a life so full and promising taken from your reality, is immense and impossible to ignore.

those memories we cherish and share with each other because as long as we have those, he'll be alive within our hearts. it was great to spend time with Mara yesterday and i am glad we are going to be able to get together now outside of this July time frame. i hope it'll be a better way to heal. it was wonderful to hear her stories of Tim as i know she looks forward to hearing ours.

i feel exhausted and numb. my heart is heavy and my eyes are red from lack of sleep and crying. the loss still hurts and is impossible to ignore. i'll visit again tomorrow as the 14th was the day this world lost Timmy.

~danban

dedication or idoicy......you choose

yesterday was one of those days no one can plan for but i like to think i handled myself well......

starts with me working on a very high maintenance client who wants to hear back on any issues/concerns/questions/thoughts back immediately and thinks the world is crumbling if he doesn't. you know the type who thinks your sitting at your desk awaiting his every remark and is pissed when he thinks you're not paying enough attention to him. i'll take that as a good enough picture painted.

just before 10:30 one of the bosses and the high maintenance/self-important/holier-than-thou developer walk in and i sink in my chair. first thing spoken is me blurting "whatever it is, i promise i didn't do it!!" they both laugh and the boss asks if i can put aside what i'm working on to help the dev for 2 hours. i am floored - the golden boy needs assistance from a lowly pa?! has the world ended?? are we in hell and is it time for a snowball fight?!?!?! no, he's just a lazy ass who doesn't want to do this remedial task - yay me.

i agree to do the few hours work (cause i'm not going to say no to the boss) and find out that i'm building a new environment, upgrading it, upgrading sql to '08 which none of us have successfully used, restoring an environment all to get one file for a VERY high profile client. yay - plenty of potential for disaster here and i am NOT giddy to get started. so of course i move immediately into action and start with the new environment.

all goes well until i reach the time to restore the backed up environment. ummmmmmm - what do you mean one of the databases is restoring to 17GB?!?! my entire image is only 20!!!! fuck - where are we going to find that kind of space?? and how large are the other three backups???

so i end up wiping out my personal external drive, re-formatting it, and start the process of creating 100GB new drive. this apparently takes 2 1/2 hours which at the time i was blissfully unaware of. all i know is that i need to leave in a half hour to exchange the loaner car for my baby that's in the shop at the moment.

figuring i had enough battery power to get me through this escapade i leave for escondido with the disc still creating away in my passenger seat. talk about the worst traffic day since i've moved to cali. it took an hour to get from my office to the shop at which point my laptop battery is down to 25 minutes remaining and i've got a quarter of the damn disc left to create! fuck! this is a drive that should take half that time at most. plus i'm getting constantly ping'd for updates from a PM who is very high strung.

i switch cars out and am headed out to ramona from there and figure i can get it done in 20 mins no problem!! oh i was SO wrong and of course hit every light between the dealership and the main stretch of the 78 that gets to ramona. so now i'm panicking and need to find anyplace to plug the damn thing in so it doesn't die and i don't lose 2 hours of work.

i call a co-worker who lives really close to the local i currently am sitting and she cannot figure out where the hell i am though knows i'm close. this doesn't help as i now have 7 minutes to plug in the laptop or lose it all and start over.

in sheer desperation i pull into a dirt driveway leading up to a barn where people are outside sitting on horses and beg to plug my laptop in for the remaining 10-15 mins i need to finish creating this cursed disc. they politely look at me like i'd done lost my mind yet graciously agree that i can plug the piece of crap in so the job will finish.

my co-worker tracks me down and we patiently pet the ponies while waiting for my laptop to finish. ridiculous but true and no, you can't make this shit up.

so was it sheer dedication to my job that drove me to a barn to beg for electricity or complete idiocy that keeps me that devoted to a machine??

~danban

clarity? perhaps......

it's been an odd couple of weeks with some interesting thoughts.....

i was riding 60 miles this past saturday with my original mentor and we pushed each other throughout the entire ride and had an amazing time. our pace was strong, our cadence good, and overall our time was surprisingly fast. and it hit me during this ride that i FINALLY remember why this is fun! i also realized that 112 miles isn't really going to be insurmountable and i could see myself on race day in new zealand and was smiling at this thought. now, my legs and lungs would argue this story with about 10 miles left on our ride! i think that having these thoughts/realizations though is a milestone in my return. i feel stronger than i have in a very long time and though the hills are more of a challenge then they've been in the past, the distance is still there......and the stubbornness that only a Banister could display at moments such as these!

a similar thought occurred to me on sunday when i ran 90 minutes in the encinitas area. for the first time in longer than i could recall, the run was actually fun! now, it turns out that i didn't have as strong of a workout as saturday but i didn't know it when i was out on the road. it was just me, thoughts of 26.2 miles, and my shuffle. my stride felt good and strong. i didn't feel terrible (which has marked my last handful of runs) and my knees didn't ache....much. the sunshining down on me was just enough to make it the perfect day for a long run. and i found that i actually enjoyed at least the first 75 minutes and could see that translating into my marathon. i could actually picture myself on race day with that pace (though knowing the results of that day, i know it'll be faster on race day) and that comfortable feeling of just the right stride.

moments like these are what compell me to push to what my coach knows i can do and what i'm realizing that my body will do when i tell it to. and days like i've had in the past few weeks are my way of telling myself that i WILL be an Ironman......there is no doubt left.

that's not to say that i may not be singing a different tune this coming saturday after 80 miles but let's keep our minds occupied with more positive thoughts! Vineman here i come!!!!

~danban

i heart master swim!

seriously, i've found a strange affinity over the last two days (well, and last week) for my master swim! the people there are great, the workouts are challenging, the coaches know their schtuff, and i feel fantastic when the workout is done!

i was nervous starting a master swim back up after not really training much over the last 3 months. i got in and started up and granted, i'm not the fastest but i'm actually not the slowest either! in fact, both coaches have said that they've seen an improvement from where i was with them last year! how could THAT be true?!?! possibly good tri coaching?? i think SO!!!

regardless, i'm having fun out there with this mis-matched crew of dolphins!

just thought i'd share :0)
~danban

not a terrible start

sunday i went on my first long ride back from knee issues and i'm actually pretty proud of my legs! took the train up to capistrano and rode down to solana with LOTS of wind along the way. we'd planned bail out strategies considering how terribly my legs felt the week before on the strand. turns out we didn't need a bail out (though i would've argued that around leucadia when i felt like getting off the bike and walking back to the car).

i kept a decent pace and we stopped twice for nutrition. yes, i know you shouldn't actually stop for nutrition but in all honesty it was partially to give my legs a bit of a rest and a stretch. my nutrition was actually fairly good considering it's been a while since i've had to put it to the test. my breakfast could've been better but the nutrition on the bike seemed right to me.

i was surprised to find that most of my base is there though i've slowed a bit. the thing that's missing is my ability to climb anything....hill....slight incline....bump.....anything! that was a serious bummer but i'm told it will come back with a bit of time.

50 miles + lots of wind + 3hrs 15 mins = happy danban

a little cooperation please

dear legs,

i know you've been on vacation for a little over 2 months now but i'd like to request that you attempt to focus on your tasks at hand. i don't believe this is too much to ask but am willing to work with you on this. i promise not to overwork you and in such cases as overtime is needed i vow to reward with time in the hot tub, a massage, or something of the like. i feel this is a valid compromise for both of us and would appreciate if you would begin to show up on time for workouts, cooperate during runs, and stay awake during spins. i look forward to our time together and hope that our time will be mutually beneficial. please feel free to talk to me at any time with any concerns or if you wish to change the benefits package for overtime compensation.

much love,
~danban

building a better relationship

this week marks another milestone and this one isn't just a milestone for this year but a milestone with my unhealthy relationship with food. i've had a very love/hate relationship with food and eating for double digits worth of years and i'm consciously making a decision to improve my thoughts/feelings around eating.

it started in junior high when i secluded myself into my room with a good book and a snack or two or three or four or. . . . i was hiding from the world and the best way to escape at that time was to escape into someone else's adventure. . . . someone else's life. i gained a lot of weight and didn't care at all. wasn't self-conscious about it or what others thought of me.

during high school i became more aware of other's perceptions of how i looked and it started to affect how i felt about myself. i didn't do a whole lot to change my eating habits and started to feel a little lost in the world of soccer player friends i'd had. one low point i remember is trying out for varsity and getting laughed at by some underclassmen by the way i jiggled. after only making jv, i started changing the way i ate and dressed. i ate less and dressed to cover what was there.

in college, i got myself so busy i didn't have time to eat. to start the day, i'd have some oatmeal or a granola bar if i remembered. i'd pack a slim fast bar or two and head out for a good 10 hours on campus barely pausing to eat. if i got really hungry i'd get a granola bar on campus to supplant another slim fast bar or an actual meal. i would scavange some sort of dinner when i got home but usually ended up eating a veggie salad with some gorganzola and called it good enough. yes, there were times where i'd actually go out to eat (LOVE Lenny's) or share a pizza with someone. i was constantly on the move, working too many hours, over-involved with martial arts, and barely saw my roommates unless they visited at the pub or Greetings.

one of the worst spells when i lived in houston for an internship. i was seeing a nutritionist, a personal trainer, and counting every calorie to attempt to stay at a 6 or even down to a 4 at one point. i was obsessed with what i ate/drank and the obsession was actually kind of scary looking back at it. when i got back to school, i realized that was not working for me and i couldn't continue to live my life in fear of food. i resumed my previous diet and felt "better".

i didn't eat minimalistically on intentionally to lose weight but it worked for exactly that purpose for the most part. i sustained this type of diet through to DC and actually gave up breakfast altogether when i got a "real" job. i ate more of a lunch than just a slim fast bar but my diet wasn't that much better than the college routine. up til about 2/3 months ago, i didn't realize that this type of diet/lifestyle wasn't actually healthy. i thought it was fine cause it was sustaining the weight if not losing a couple of pounds here or there. wow - i was WRONG!

i was eating just to get by not because i actually enjoyed it. i'd grown an idea that if i ate in front of people, and ate the wrong things or too much of something, they'd think "oh THAT is why she's overweight". i've had a very distorted perception of what i look like throughout the years no matter if i was a size 12 or a size 6. in the mirror, i have always been a size 16. these thoughts aren't normal (i've come to find out) and i'm working on seeing myself as others see me instead of as a continuously overweight and generally unattractive person.

i went to see Kim Mueller and she put together a plan for me and this week starts the time in my life when i'm going to eat as i ought to eat. i'm going to get healthy foods into my body and i'm sure at some point this will become fun/enjoyable. i need to get to the point where i don't judge myself for what i eat and how often. today is day one in what is going to be a life altering change!

~danban

a new season

well this week signifies a shift in the life of the danban......training begins again! tonight, time with bri at 24 and at least an hour of an aerobic workout (running/elipse/stationary bike). tomorrow, master swim with kb in la jolla. thurs, repeat of today. friday will be a spin to see how the knee will respond on sat. flat (as much as it can be) ride up the coast to get my legs back under me. sun will be another aerobic workout. of course this all depends on how much my knee cooperates and any of the aerobic workouts can be substituted for yoga if the knee craps out on me. there my friends is the plan and you're welcome to hold me to it!

i've had enough of the complaicency and am ready to get moving again. i need to get my butt in gear for V-man since my little sis is going to come and cheer me on and i wanna do myself proud on that day once again. and honestly, i'm just tired of feeling so lazy! yes, i know i needed to keep myself stationary for a while to let my knee heel but enough is enough!! no, i won't over do it and i will listen to my knee when it tells me enough is enough. i'm just getting excited to start training for V-man again and this week starts it off.

this weekend was a weekend of another type of discovery. i'm no longer going to allow people into my life that see me as a friend of convienence. what i mean by that is that i have people in my life that seem to just find it purposeful to have me around once in a while when it serves their current needs best. i'm not saying these people behave this way malisciously or on purpose....in fact, i believe they don't even realize they treat others this way. what i've found that's interesting is that they seem to befriend each other and that works for them but i'm getting out of the tangle altogether. i'm not saying i'm going to cut anyone out of my life that i don't see or talk to on a regular basis but what i'm saying is that i'm not going to be walked over any longer by friend or family member. comes down to that age old addage.....do unto others......

~danban

update on the new year's plans

this is for tina who mentioned she wanted an update :0)

1. lots and lots o races including (but not limited to): carlsbad half, bulldog road race, cal half iron, la jolla half, vineman half iron, afc half........all in prep for my first IRONMAN in 2010!!!! and i will complete one half iron in six hours or less and complete a half marathon in two hours or less!
UPDATE: Cal half is out but soon I'll start my training for Vineman and VERY soon I'll sign up for my Iron!!

2. snowboard as often as my budget will allow - now that i have my new snazzy snow boarding boots :0)
UPDATE: done and done. not as much as i'd liked but not bad for my first season back

3. cook 1 new recipe a week - gotta get in some more variety!
UPDATE: been lazy about this but then again, i'm traveling a lot so once i settle out of traveling, i'll get back on it!

4. kick mark's ass on the new year's bet
UPDATE: still going on this one

5. cheer my head off as my best friend finishes her first IRONMAN!
UPDATE: still in the plans for turkey day

6. finally get the last o the dental stuff done that i've been dreading for years - hey, never said all the big things i'm doing this year were fun or exciting!! :P
UPDATE: got the first part of this over with!

7. actually HOST a gathering at my place now that i have a new, comfy couch (aka lots of sitting space)
UPDATE: still need to set a date for this. again, need to stop traveling first!

8. going to use my surfboards FAR more than i did this past year cause after all....i AM a californian now :0)
UPDATE: not yet done but the summer isn't here so i've got plenty o time!

9. i vow to balance my budget and keep to a plan - gotta save for that house ya know?!
UPDATE: really need to figure this out soon. time to plan some time with paul a

10. i promise to return your email, text, call, letter, etc. i know i've been hit or miss on replying to people and that is going to change!
UPDATE: think i'm doing better with this......

~danban

small update and randomness

i always find it amazing how much i undervalue the ability to spend time at home until i'm gone from it for an extended period of time. i just got back from a week and a half in albany and i'm leaving tomorrow for napa. a few days isn't a big deal but a week and a half puts the idea of home at a higher level of comfort than i'd previously realized. also considering that i'll get a grand total of one night's sleep in my own bed puts things into an even harsher reality of how much i'm going to miss my blissful little apartment. don't get me wrong, spending time with sarah in napa is going to be exactly what the therapist i don't have would order and i'm really looking forward to it. i just wish i'd had a little more down time from albany to get ready for napa especially considering i don't even have my luggage back yet!

so, i'm still not working out at all and i'm still getting pain from my knee on a constant basis which does worry me and i'm considering calling the doc to find out what i should be doing next. don't know if mild excercise at this point would make it better or worse. considering that standing for two days killed me (taught a class and had to stand during the whole two days), i'm not sure that even swimming nor a light spin would be a good idea. then again, non-activity is driving me bonkers!! going to give it til i get back from napa and then actually start low impact stuff and see how it goes.

~danban

i truly hope you celebrate the day

today is at the top of my favorite days of the year if not my favorite. it reminds me to cherish those i love, spread the love to those i don't often enough, and keep my heart and mind open to new opportunities wherever they may present themselves. it reminds me of where i've been, the struggles that have been and that probably will be, and to be thankful for those i have now surmounted. i hope that you can have the same reflections though it seems to be a day of celebration without understanding for most. feel the need to be irish if you must but please cherish the true spirit of the day......remember Saint Patrick for all his worth and gifts to one island that will remain close to my heart.












~danban

i'm startin to get the spirit

well, it's my favorite time of year and at first i was bummed cause i'll be in albany for the day o celebration. yes, i'm talking about St. Patrick's day. then i met some of the most interesting and fun people and now will be celebrating with them! we'll be hitting up beer heaven and i'm sure that my class on Wed morning will suffer for it :0)

St. Patrick's day is a day that reminds me of my heritage (Irish on both sites of the family) and the story of St. Patrick, though unknown by most, is actually one that i think is important (check out http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/11554a.htm if you want more info). he's a man who was taken into slavery in Ireland, escaped, went home, then returned to Ireland to spread his ideals and beliefs to the country. it's a story of perserverance and courage to overcome things that have happened in the past and turn those experiences into a drive to make a positive impact into the lives on others.

it's something we should all strive to do in our own lives even if on a more minute scale. what impacts have you made to those around you? have you encouraged them to make their situations better or just different? have you picked up the phone to have a 5 minute conversation to just let someone know you're thinking of them? how are you going to make this year a year of positive impact and change?? and how are you doing these things for yourself?

yes, for most it's a time of green beer binge drinking as it should be a celebration of freedomes yet for me it's also a time of reflection before consuming my fair share of Irish produced stouts and whiskeys. and all i know is i am startin to feel the spirit :0)

~danban

lyrics from one of my fav flogging molly songs.......
Now I`m aimin' for heaven
But probably wind up down in hell
Where upon this alter I will hang my guilt ridden head
But it`s time I`ll take before I begin
Three sheets to the wind, Three sheets to the wind
Rebels are we, though heavy our hearts shall always be
Ah, no ball or chain no prison shall keep
We`re the rebels of the sacred heart

Now bless me father for I have sinned
But it`s the same old story again and again and again
Ah well, such is the bread of an everyday life
From mornin' to noon to this shadowless-night
Rebels are we, though heavy our hearts shall always be
Ah, no ball or chain no prison shall keep
We`re the rebels of the sacred heart

finally something to look forward to :0)

a few things in the works i'm excited about and wanted to share......

• a scrumptious lunch today that was packed with care :0)
• girlz night with a best friend i've been neglecting and have MISSED
• ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!!
  
• back to beer heaven for a week and the opportunity to spend time with a new friend
  
• a trip at the end of the month to napa to spend some much needed time with my Sarah
• the end of the knee pain and the beginning of Vineman retribution training (hit me up if you wanna train starting the beginning of April)
  
• my oldest and dearest friend's wedding (and finally getting to meet her baby boy)
• time with my Miller family has been promised
• more Kate time and more frequent spa days
  
• a visit from my Mom within the next month or so
• actually making "me" time a priority and sticking to that!
• more quality time with trouble
• reconnecting with my Bubba cause there's no excuse not to
• date nights with the roommie
  
• getting to know other new friends who seem like quality people - helloooo Sunday brunch!
• spending time with My Mr. Christopher who I have missed dearly

all in all, good stuff ahead people and that's what i'm focusing on these days. the GOOD stuff :0)

~danban

is that a light at the end of the tunnel?

i'm beginning to think i'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel..... well, work wise anyway. the next three weeks are going to be a big push to get the finalized pieces done for two clients then on march 19th i officially have NOTHING to do!! it's going to be glorious and i cannot wait! and to celebrate, i'm going to napa with sarah to detox from the last couple of months. for the moment i'm living in the dream of no work for now. all the while knowing in the back of my head that by that time, they'll find something new for me to do. but for now, the sweet blissful thought of nothingness fills my head :0)

the other shard of light beyond is coming from the fact that soon i'll know exactly what the prognosis on the knee will be and what impact that will have on my upcoming training schedule. CB and i have no agreed that cal half will not be my A race and is in fact no longer even on the calendar. vineman is the next prize and i want to kill it from my last year's results. i'm keepin my fingers crossed that tonight's MRI will show that some tendons were torn and not the miniscus (no clue how to spell that btw). tomorrow will tell all and at least i'll have an answer.

the song that's been floating through my head lately which somewhat reflects my mood lately is be ok by ingrid michaelson. i like the song though it doesn't completely fit my picture at the moment......
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

CHORUS:
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

CHORUS

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

guess i've just been searching for something lately thought i don't know what exactly and feeling a little lost in the chaos of work and the broken pieces of my knee. it'll all be mended and better soon.....just keepin the vision of better days ahead

~danban

ignoring it apparently doesn't make it go away

this is true both of work and my stupid knee lately. so in the first case, i'm getting slaughtered at work. in a 3 day period, i worked a total of 43 hours and was sick during the time. i don't say this to brag cause believe me i wish i wasn't necessary to be there that long. it turns out yet again that the resource problem we've been having at work has bitten me in the ass. i hate the fact that i'm letting co-workers down by not keeping up with everything that's been on my plate. i overlook little things that turn into big things because i've put them off so long due to emergencies flaming up all around and then the little things turn into new fires to be put out. i've been beyond overwhelmed and have even cried at work due to frustration. i am only one person and i haven't been able to do everything that's been requested of me. i've let some friendships lapse because of work and even training has taken a down turn. there's got to be a balance and i'm striving to find it at the moment.

secondly, my knee is not getting better. it's been over two weeks since i tweaked it and today's run proved that it's not strong by any stretch of the imagination. i won't be surprised if tomorrow it's swolen again and needs the stupid brace to keep it stable again. i've put off seeing Dr. M again cause of the above paragraph and the fact that the pain keeps on keepin on tells me that ignoring this one is no longer an option. i've lapsed on my peak week of training and will now see the consequences of it during my race if i make it that far.

and just to add icing to the cake, i had oral surgery this past friday with consequences i didn't foresee. i actually paid someone to drill into my jaw bone and received nothing more than mouth wash and motrin. geeeeee thanks.

on the plus side, work HAS to dwindle soon and i WILL see Dr. M this coming week when i get back from the frozen tundra. this too shall pass and i shall be all the better of it i'm sure. for those of you i've negated, my apologies and i'll be found again soon i swear. thanks for your continued patience.

~danban

retardedness in the pool

my swim on tues was ridiculous.......completely ridiculous! so, i get to the pool and change quickly to get to the pool. the far left lane was open so i decide against my better judgement to use that one cause it's open. i say against my better judgement because the last few times i've been in this lane at this time of day (approx 6pm) i've run into a series of unfortunate incidents with elderly men who take it as their absolute right to be able to use the area at the base of the stairs as their space to tread water whenever the fuck they feel like it. so against my senses i decide why not?! i get in and do my 400 warm up and stop for a 10'' breather to check what i need to be doing next and when i turn around there is this elderly asian man treading water over 3/4 of the lane and he just looks stupidly up at me like wtf are you gonna do bout it?!! so i start off on my main set only to find that there's another elderly gentleman that decided to swim in the lane with me and is doing basically a frog kick. i attempt to get around him and managed to get kicked, maneuver myself half way under the lane line and into the lane to the right. i make it to the end of the pool and come back for my first 50 and find that the lane lines are disappearing!! oh fuck - water aerobics class :( shit shit shit!!

i hit the hot tub for a little bit and find that in 10 mins of the class only 4 people have shown. i ask the instructor who asks the class if it's ok that i take the last half of the back lane. she's fine with it and the class agrees and i'm off again! i'm swimming through a washing machine HATING it the whole time but thinking it's good practice for race day. all of a sudden i notice two new people have joined the class and the pudgier lady in the back has now taken it as her personal affront that i'm swimming during her class and thus proceeds to attempt to force me out of the pool by crowding my back half of the back lane. i'm practially swimming on pavement at this point but swim on non-the-less when to my chagrin there they are........dreadded foot cramps! shit shit shit!! well, at this point my spirit is pretty broken and i am afraid i'm going to have another foot episode like the last cramps that left me massaging my foot on the side of the pool for 15-20 minutes so i haul my butt out of the pool to the great satisfaction of the portly lady.

i only got in 1/3 of my planned swim but all things considered, i'm proud of the accomplishment!

~danban

plans for the new year

that's right people, i have BIG plans for the new year and you are welcome to hear all about them :0)


1. lots and lots o races including (but not limited to): carlsbad half, bulldog road race, cal half iron, la jolla half, vineman half iron, afc half........all in prep for my first IRONMAN in 2010!!!! and i will complete one half iron in six hours or less and complete a half marathon in two hours or less!

2. snowboard as often as my budget will allow - now that i have my new snazzy snow boarding boots :0)

3. cook 1 new recipe a week - gotta get in some more variety!

4. kick mark's ass on the new year's bet

5. cheer my head off as my best friend finishes her first IRONMAN!

6. finally get the last o the dental stuff done that i've been dreading for years - hey, never said all the big things i'm doing this year were fun or exciting!! :P

7. actually HOST a gathering at my place now that i have a new, comfy couch (aka lots of sitting space)

8. going to use my surfboards FAR more than i did this past year cause after all....i AM a californian now :0)

9. i vow to balance my budget and keep to a plan - gotta save for that house ya know?!

10. i promise to return your email, text, call, letter, etc. i know i've been hit or miss on replying to people and that is going to change!

well, they may not be that exciting to everyone but they are important things for me to achieve this year :0) i have a feeling that this is going to be a phenomenal year and a year of great change and you're welcome to join me in any part of what i want to accomplish throughout the year. in fact, your participation would be most welcome! i hope you're planning on making this a great year too and feel free to let me know how i can support you in creating something phenomenal this year!!

much love,
~danban