building a better relationship

this week marks another milestone and this one isn't just a milestone for this year but a milestone with my unhealthy relationship with food. i've had a very love/hate relationship with food and eating for double digits worth of years and i'm consciously making a decision to improve my thoughts/feelings around eating.

it started in junior high when i secluded myself into my room with a good book and a snack or two or three or four or. . . . i was hiding from the world and the best way to escape at that time was to escape into someone else's adventure. . . . someone else's life. i gained a lot of weight and didn't care at all. wasn't self-conscious about it or what others thought of me.

during high school i became more aware of other's perceptions of how i looked and it started to affect how i felt about myself. i didn't do a whole lot to change my eating habits and started to feel a little lost in the world of soccer player friends i'd had. one low point i remember is trying out for varsity and getting laughed at by some underclassmen by the way i jiggled. after only making jv, i started changing the way i ate and dressed. i ate less and dressed to cover what was there.

in college, i got myself so busy i didn't have time to eat. to start the day, i'd have some oatmeal or a granola bar if i remembered. i'd pack a slim fast bar or two and head out for a good 10 hours on campus barely pausing to eat. if i got really hungry i'd get a granola bar on campus to supplant another slim fast bar or an actual meal. i would scavange some sort of dinner when i got home but usually ended up eating a veggie salad with some gorganzola and called it good enough. yes, there were times where i'd actually go out to eat (LOVE Lenny's) or share a pizza with someone. i was constantly on the move, working too many hours, over-involved with martial arts, and barely saw my roommates unless they visited at the pub or Greetings.

one of the worst spells when i lived in houston for an internship. i was seeing a nutritionist, a personal trainer, and counting every calorie to attempt to stay at a 6 or even down to a 4 at one point. i was obsessed with what i ate/drank and the obsession was actually kind of scary looking back at it. when i got back to school, i realized that was not working for me and i couldn't continue to live my life in fear of food. i resumed my previous diet and felt "better".

i didn't eat minimalistically on intentionally to lose weight but it worked for exactly that purpose for the most part. i sustained this type of diet through to DC and actually gave up breakfast altogether when i got a "real" job. i ate more of a lunch than just a slim fast bar but my diet wasn't that much better than the college routine. up til about 2/3 months ago, i didn't realize that this type of diet/lifestyle wasn't actually healthy. i thought it was fine cause it was sustaining the weight if not losing a couple of pounds here or there. wow - i was WRONG!

i was eating just to get by not because i actually enjoyed it. i'd grown an idea that if i ate in front of people, and ate the wrong things or too much of something, they'd think "oh THAT is why she's overweight". i've had a very distorted perception of what i look like throughout the years no matter if i was a size 12 or a size 6. in the mirror, i have always been a size 16. these thoughts aren't normal (i've come to find out) and i'm working on seeing myself as others see me instead of as a continuously overweight and generally unattractive person.

i went to see Kim Mueller and she put together a plan for me and this week starts the time in my life when i'm going to eat as i ought to eat. i'm going to get healthy foods into my body and i'm sure at some point this will become fun/enjoyable. i need to get to the point where i don't judge myself for what i eat and how often. today is day one in what is going to be a life altering change!

~danban