race mornin is the most unnerving and momentous occasion any triathlete can go through and mine was no exception. let's go back to the night before ........ the night before my first half iron was all a bustle of what do i need to get my race together? do i have everything for T1? do i have everything in my bike bag just in case? do i have my race number? have i lost my sanity?? (that would be a HUGE yes) do i have my race-day support?? (and that would be HELLZ YEAH!!!!) throw all of the gear on the towl and mentally walk through the whole race day. it's now time to shut down the chaos and step-by-step, moment-by-moment race the race with total clarity in my head.
i'm in the water waiting for the BANG and treading water. getting a bit of a warm up and anticipating the start. BAM it's time. stroke by stroke i focus on long, lean arms to cut the water and propel me toward that T1. eventually the turn around and off toward those oak barrels which mark the beginning of T1. wetsuit off, goggles and cap off, shoes on, helmet on, sunglasses on, race belt with number on, grab the bike and GO! on the bike and really spin the wheels to get the legs a pumpin. relax through the bike and have fun on the rollers. spinnin at the end of the bike and preppin for T2. hit T2 and rack the bike, helmet off and hat on, shoes off and runnin shoes on, grab the bottle from the thermos and off i go! hit the run at a nice slow pace. easin into it and speeding up. cruise through the run and find my support as i sail toward the finish! seems easy right?? right........
so here's how it REALLY went down:
PRE-RACE
wake up at 2:30 in the am. that's right, the worst has happened and i've got race jitters. i can hardly lay still so as to not wake up sandra. (yes, pervs i slept in the same bed as another female triathlete - heaven for some boyz to consider i'm sure) from there, it's fitful rest of waking up and wondering if i have everything or if i've slept in too much or if i'm gonna really make it through all 70.3 miles!!!! 4am rolls around and tina is up and bustling around the cabin. she has the earliest start so is getting her breakfast in before hitting the opening of T1 at 5:30. laying there i'm thinking that i NEED to get up cause i have to be sleeping too late. i attempted to get my head to rest and get more rest as much as possible. eventually the alarm went off and it was time for breakfast. made my standard race-mornin breakfast of wheat bagle, peanut butter, and slices of banana. i was so flipped out and nervous that i only managed to choke down three quarters of my breakfast with a cup o coffee (not the best practice but it's mine so mind your own business!). got dressed in my brown tri top and shorts and got my race chip on my ankle. i'm ready at this point......i mean physically ready but far from mentally prepared. i am beyond freaked out and am attempting to calm myself with NO avail. head down to the transition area and calm a bit when i see katie b and bri there with the cameras and HUGE grins on their faces. katie b is more excited about this than i am!! that's when i realized this is only going to happen ONCE. i'm only going to have my first half iron once and i'd better start enjoying it! shift and hello T1. got everything as it should be and walked down to see Tina head out. i'm glad i got to see so many of my friends start out on their races and it's coming up to be mine and sandra's turn. BRING IT! :0)
SWIM
give our final hugs and take our final pics and we hit the water. it was awesome to be floating amongst such a powerful group of women. ridiculously motivated women. very kind and anxious women. the bang goes off and we start swimming. i get a few bumps and do a bit of drafting and find myself drifting off to the right toward the outside of the pack as i often do. i attempt to keep myself within the group and draft as much as possible but end up back on the outside. the problem with being on the outside to the right is that i'm going into the current all on my own, struggling on my own and it's just not necessary. the good news to me is that i'm right next to sandra! it's surprising to me cause i expected her to be way ahead of me since she predicted 3 mins faster than myself. COOL!
so i keep on truckin, attempt to keep my strokes long and well paced, and feel pretty good til the turn around. decided to stand a bit (yes, it's that shallow) and see sandra standing ahead of me a bit. just wanted to catch my breath a tiny bit and stretch a tiny bit then dove back in and headed out. was a bit gassed and arms were burning toward the bridges. was pushing a bit too much and didn't want to wear myself out but wasn't at all happy that i saw two other colors of caps passing me! hit the rocks, then the carpet, and run on through the oak barrels toward the T1. Goggles on my forehead and it's on!
T1
the most frustrating thing about this is shoving all my shit into my tri bag. i haven't had to do this before and i found that it distracted me! i get the wetsuit off and shove it into the bag. rinse off my feet and throw them into the shoes. grab my helmet and decide against the sunglasses cause it's still really overcast and did i fail to mention FREEZING!!!! (p.s. i am NOT prepared for a cold race) grabbed my race belt and shoved my T1 towel into my bag. grab my beautiful orange guru and i'm off and running. about the time i'm running up the tiny intro hill when i realize i only really strapped on one shoe!! i pause and strap on the other, blow out a HUGE breath, and clomp up the rest of the hill in my bike shoes. i cannot tell you enough how much it meant to have katie b and bri SCREAMING praises and confidence as i'm heading toward the hill.
BIKE
make it to the top of the hill and hop on the guru. i start in an easy easy easy gear to spin my legs warm. i wish it could've been as easy as it sounds. my legs, my feet, my nose, my toes, my fingers, my ....... everything was cold. i moved my toes around as much as possible to get some blood flowing and attempt to get some feeling into them with absolutely NO luck. starting off, there was a rather large group of us heading out. i am riding next to this chatty guy and mentioned to him how much i was unprepared for a freezing race. i mean c'mon - it's supposed to be 95 not 65!!!! i'm feeling slow but keeping my legs pumping as people are passing me left and right. i'm not so concerned about that as my non-existent toes. another major concern is the fact that there is no shoulder and i mean sometimes there isn't even a white line where the road ends!! i'm in the first 5 miles of the ride and i notice this maroon car that seems to be weaving behind a truck as if he's trying to figure out why everyone is driving so slowly. ummm helloooooo dumbass! there's an effing RACE on!!!! right in front of me he sharply swerves into a parking long and nearly clipped me! i am beyond furiated and SCREAMED something to the effect of "watch the fuck out douche bag!!!!!!!" ok fine i'm over it and keep on pumping. i am not going to let some no-brained idiot ruin this for me. i stopped once very briefly to stretch as my legs were still freezing then get on the guru and find my rhythm. this was the best part of my bike. i'm pumping yet not straining. i'm keeping a decent pace and passing a person here or there. i'm woman enough to admit that i'm not thrilled that so many 50 something men are passing me but whatever i'm racing my race the way i wanna race it and THAT is what counts!
and then it happens. i'm feeling too much under my butt. the bumps are too bumpy. and i realize that i have a flat. damn! ok no biggie i get off and start changing it and it really doesn't take long. i have a ton of support from the passing cyclists and feel encouraged that it's not taking me terribly long! i'm back on my guru in no time and off again! i hit up the people who just passed me and say hey as i'm passing those who offered assistance. cruising along and BAM another flat. DOUBLE DAMN!!!! not 10 minutes have passed and i am disheartened. more like crushed actually. i have no other backup after this. this second flat is the last flat as far as i'm concerned. and actually i'm not even sure that i'm gonna make it time wise. all the people i just passed are now passing me with pity and sorrow in their eyes with support coming out of their mouths and i so badly wanted to tell them all to just pass this train wreck in progress and leave me the hell alone even though i KNOW they mean well. i'm feeling like i'm WAY behind on time and going to have to race the clock without much luck of making the cut. ok - it's going to be ok. and then i see him. paul has caught me and i know that i'm in trouble of not making it. i've got my tire off and felt a staple on the inside of the rim. i pull it out with my teeth and shove the tire back on and a tube in it. i am chatting with paul and thinking that too much time has passed. he's such a sweetie for stopping to see how i was doing and if i needed help. he took the time out of his race and wanted to check on me. what a wonderful man! so we used his hand pump and pumped up the tire and we were both off.
keeping a decent pace i felt ok. the clouds had just broken when we started up again and my legs were slightly cold but i still felt ok. kept my legs a pumpin and attempted to warm them up again. i passed this girl in a pink top a couple of times and she'd also had two flats but was way beyond upset. i felt better that i'd kept such a positive attitude and wasn't willing to just let it go cause i'd had a bad day. so what, this is IT. there isn't a second shot at this. this is all i've got for a first half iron. fuck it!!!!
i hit the incline before the big chalk hill incline and it seriously wasn't bad which served as a motivator to just keep it up! i hit the big chalk hill which for those of you who live in the sd area, it's shorter but steeper than torrey pines. i kept chanting "couser canyon. couser canyon. couser canyon. couser canyon......." and made it without issue. it felt good! i kept on truckin and almost missed one of my turns!! i saw the chalk (there was no volunteer) and made the turn a little sharp and beyond where i should have but still made it. i have to admit, denden would be proud cause on chalk hill rd i actually considered the bike bathroom option. i mean to the point where i was watching for other riders and drivers cause if no one had been around, i would've gone! alas, i was never alone so i held it in til the run. this part of the bike was very surreal. taking in the scenery and the absolute beauty of the place was extraordinarily awe inspiring. i felt Tim with me and shed a few tears of gratitude. out there on what was mostly my own, i felt what it could be like to face my first ironman and felt a little surprised that those thoughts had entered my brain at all! it was a wonderful time for me and i'm glad i got to experience that on my own terms and with more determination than i realized was in my bones.
the only other issue that i nearly hit along the bike was this total jack hole who disregarded a cop on the street who was screaming at him to stop. the dude just didn't pay attention and almost hit the cop and me! where do these people come from and how can we slap the shit out of them to get them to pay attention?!?!?!! anyway, i hit the home stretch and there's katie b screaming her head off! i felt terrible that i didn't smile more but was concentrating on my T2 and really hit it. it was phenomenal to see her there on the corner yelling and i could see the relief in her eyes that i'd made it. i know she could tell i'd had a difficult ride and was feelin a little disappointed in myself. i knew i had to shake it off and keep on movin if i were to finish so move is what i did!
T2
ran my guru in and found my stuff easily. bike racked and helmet off. wish i'd decided differently about the sunglasses but oh well! threw on my hat and hit up some burts bees chapstick. (p.s. i'm a chapstick-o-holic) was standing to put on my first sock and barely touched my foot down when i realized that there were effing burrs on the ground that had just made it onto my sock!! so i sat down and picked them out of my sock before sticking on my shoe. by the time i stood up and grabbed my bottle out of my thermos, i realized i had burrs all over my butt!!! i knew that wouldn't be comfortable on the run so i took a few secs to attempt to get 'em off before hitting the road.
RUN
started off slowly as my legs were feelin funky from being so cold then eventually heating up and my left ankle was aching something terrible (i think from the timing chip being on too tightly). also, i was waiting for the tingling in my now functioning toes to stop before i really hit my pace. the search for the bathroom begins! i seriously HAD to go and hadn't noticed that there were bathrooms in T2 so i'm searching and asking and not finding! i held on til the first aide station which happened to be my TNT'ers!! after relieving myself, i stopped briefly to stretch and found that it was almost a seriously critical mistake. i went to stretch my quad and my hamstring totally cramped up and was threatening to not ease up. i was slightly panic'd but stretched my calves out in an attempt to hit my hamstrings as well. i eased back into my run and started to feel good......really good! at this point i have no idea how my legs are doing what they're doing! i mean they're pumping without me telling them to. they're making good time and i can't even feel them moving! i had a few cheers from the peeps i saw on the bike that passed me for the second flat with vows of sympathy now changing their tunes cause i was sailing! all i know is that it had to be Tim with me. he had to be pushing my legs and giving me strength. i could not have sailed through the challenge of a half marathon at the end of the race without his love shining down on me. i was throwing out cheers to others as i passed them and saw my friends along the way. sandra promising beers at the finish line and throwing lots of love my way which i would need later on the run. i hit the turn around after seeing tina and was amazed by the beauty of the whole scene.
i'd made a deal with myself that i would only walk the uphills and it ended up being a deal i'd have to hold myself to. i hit one major uphill when i'd seen sandra and this was when i'd made the deal. the deal was painful at the end but it kept me on a decent pace. i felt absolutely terrible around miles 8-10 and was afraid at some points that i was going to be sick all over the side of the road! my stomach was seriously cramping and felt terrible. i felt starving and nauseated at the same time. i slowed my pace and attempted to right my stomach. i just kept thinking of a song by regina spektor and kept my mind focused on what lay ahead of me and how short a distance i had remaining. i won't lie in saying that it was a struggle. a serious struggle. but the last two miles there were no remaining hills and i wasn't about to walk. i ran and as i ran i increased pace as i felt Tim with me again. i found katie b as she was running and screaming at me with love and pride in her eyes!! she ran with me for a while and her strength and love carried me for at least a quarter of a mile while she was with me. i handed off my bottle to her and picked up my pace. i ran into what was essentially an empty crowd with only an old '06 lavaman teammate to recognize my name or my face. it was a little disappointing but i was SO amazed and relieved that i'd finished in a decent time and was retardedly proud of myself. i struggled to walk to water and toward sandra. and it was worth it folks. all worth it. i wouldn't change this experience and this race for anything in the world. the memories and the knowledge of this race and the determination and stubbornness behind it are priceless.
POST RACE
it was a whirl wind of hugs and you did a kick ass job and you need food and let's get our stuff and and and and it was nutz!!!! i'm still just shocked and thrilled that i made it. i seriously did earn my v-man schwag!! i had my moments of doubt and i had my tears. i had my moments of there's no way i cannot finish this and my many moments of plastered on your face ear-to-ear annoying grinning. i could not have done this without Tim's wind beneath my wings and his love shining down on me from the heavens. i could not have done this without katie b's overwhelming love, support, admiration, poking, prodding, and understanding. i could not have done this without bri's endless patience, humor, and generosity. i could not have done this without trouble keeping me grounded in reality and his admiration for doing what seems wreckless and idiotic. i could not have done this without cindy and her constant push to train and to get up before the ass crack of dawn! i could not have done this without so many people i hold near and dear to my heart and i thank you all. most importantly i could not have done this without a clear intention and knowledge of myself and the fact that no matter what i throw in my own path, i do it because i know that i can overcome it all. this is only the first of my many half iron's to come. if you're still reading this, thank you too!
much much much much love,
~danban
7/24/08
7/19/08
first half iron jitters for realz
it's funny - i haven't had pre-race jitters since lavaman '06 yet here i am a twitter of emotion. earlier i felt sick.....now i'm hungry.......earlier was in a terrible mood......a bit excited even earlier than that......etc etc etc etc. i'm so all over the place i hardly know what to do with myself! the most bizarre feeling so far though has been the overwhelming feeling that i'm absolutely unprepared for this race. the problem is that i didn't plan this thing out like i normally plan. i typically make sure i have all my meals planned out for race day/weekend/trip/whatever. my head feels like it's constantly swimming. i'm so scattered i hope i put everything together for my transitions.
i'm sure it'll all work out after i've had more sleep. it started with thurs night. i was all over the place and could barely pack. was doing laundry, attempting to figure out my race stuff, keep katie b and bri on track to get to my place, talk with everyone i needed to for work before i left, and attempt to keep my sanity in place. i was a wreck! so the laundry got done, katie b and bri got there around 10, and katie b started her laundry. a lot of packing, talking, and laundry later we went to sleep around 1.
the alarm goes off at 3am. yes, 3AM!! i am by no means amused. we snooze to 3:15 and absolutely have to get up. up and barely functioning, we manage to pull all our stuff together and pack it into bri's suv. he's the first to drive and i to keep him awake. katie b is in the back seat 
with all our stuff and slept since she kept getting up throughout the two hours to finish laundry. the drive was rough since we were SO tired and around 6:30 we stopped for starbucks and breakfast. but since nothing can ever be simple, the first one didn't have the breakfast wraps! so down the road we went and the next one had our breakfast so we paused for a moment then shoved on. bri and i stayed up and drove the 5 which is barren and brown while katie b snoozed on and off. i have to admit, i am NOT a fan of bri's selection of music. he's got a ton of eclectic craziness with a few goodies thrown in. i am definitely thrown back into the 80's a time or two throughout the time his music is playin. eventually, we stop for a bathroom break, get some gas and i start drivin and
drivin and drivin and drivin and drivin. eventually katie b and bri sleep and i am alone with my thoughts. a terrible mood ensues as i think back to last year and why i didn't do this race and of course i am crying and alone though not alone. lots of time to think, almost no sleep, headaches off and on, NO appetite do not make for a very nice danban. we stopped at whole foods and i was beyond overwhelmed with the amount of people, the decisions i needed to make, and definitely a lack of food in my stomach though no appetite to fill it. the trip to whole foods did not go well and i feel bad that bri had to witness my little flip out moments there. we made it to guerneville eventually, unpacked eventually, tina and jason showed eventually, and we went to bed somewhere around 11. sandra and i did manage to drive through the bike course and saw how good/bad the road is and some phenomenal scenery in the area. by the time i got offline and closed my eyes i was practically delirious and no picnic to be around.
this mornin we woke up around 7:30 and had some breakfast before heading to the river. 
swimming in the river was SO refreshing and calmed me down a bit so i'm glad we spent the time to do it. we had our wetsuits on and it really wasn't too terribly warm so i think tomorrow morning will workout just fine. we ran into some others that we know that are doing the race and it was good to see some more friendly faces. we also managed to make a good luck video post card to denden for his lake placid ironman!! we headed back to the cabin and hung our suits up to dry and packed up our run stuff to take to T2 post expo. the expo took forever but we got some gooooood info for the race and i got to see some interesting pics. i am retardedly excited about the schtuff i got there and now have to make it through the race so i can wear it!! we're back at the cabin, i've had a bit to eat but will eat mor
e soon. i'm SO exhausted. no amount of mascara can mask the sleepy eye today. thinkin about takin a nap, going to eat some serious pasta, gonna sit in the hot tub, gonna get in some serious stretchin, gonna prep the bike and swim stuff for tomorrow, and gonna calm my head and brain and enjoy the time here. cause this is what all the training is about. it's about getting to this point where i can sit back, relax, know that what will happen tomorrow will happen, enjoy the people around me and the experiences here, and KNOW that i will be a half ironman finisher before this time tomorrow afternoon.
no matter what i feel/think/fear/hope for tomorrow, i will finish and i will make the absolute most of it. Tim is with me and tomorrow we will have the times of our lives :0)
ciao for now
~danban
i'm sure it'll all work out after i've had more sleep. it started with thurs night. i was all over the place and could barely pack. was doing laundry, attempting to figure out my race stuff, keep katie b and bri on track to get to my place, talk with everyone i needed to for work before i left, and attempt to keep my sanity in place. i was a wreck! so the laundry got done, katie b and bri got there around 10, and katie b started her laundry. a lot of packing, talking, and laundry later we went to sleep around 1.
the alarm goes off at 3am. yes, 3AM!! i am by no means amused. we snooze to 3:15 and absolutely have to get up. up and barely functioning, we manage to pull all our stuff together and pack it into bri's suv. he's the first to drive and i to keep him awake. katie b is in the back seat 
with all our stuff and slept since she kept getting up throughout the two hours to finish laundry. the drive was rough since we were SO tired and around 6:30 we stopped for starbucks and breakfast. but since nothing can ever be simple, the first one didn't have the breakfast wraps! so down the road we went and the next one had our breakfast so we paused for a moment then shoved on. bri and i stayed up and drove the 5 which is barren and brown while katie b snoozed on and off. i have to admit, i am NOT a fan of bri's selection of music. he's got a ton of eclectic craziness with a few goodies thrown in. i am definitely thrown back into the 80's a time or two throughout the time his music is playin. eventually, we stop for a bathroom break, get some gas and i start drivin and
drivin and drivin and drivin and drivin. eventually katie b and bri sleep and i am alone with my thoughts. a terrible mood ensues as i think back to last year and why i didn't do this race and of course i am crying and alone though not alone. lots of time to think, almost no sleep, headaches off and on, NO appetite do not make for a very nice danban. we stopped at whole foods and i was beyond overwhelmed with the amount of people, the decisions i needed to make, and definitely a lack of food in my stomach though no appetite to fill it. the trip to whole foods did not go well and i feel bad that bri had to witness my little flip out moments there. we made it to guerneville eventually, unpacked eventually, tina and jason showed eventually, and we went to bed somewhere around 11. sandra and i did manage to drive through the bike course and saw how good/bad the road is and some phenomenal scenery in the area. by the time i got offline and closed my eyes i was practically delirious and no picnic to be around.
this mornin we woke up around 7:30 and had some breakfast before heading to the river. 
swimming in the river was SO refreshing and calmed me down a bit so i'm glad we spent the time to do it. we had our wetsuits on and it really wasn't too terribly warm so i think tomorrow morning will workout just fine. we ran into some others that we know that are doing the race and it was good to see some more friendly faces. we also managed to make a good luck video post card to denden for his lake placid ironman!! we headed back to the cabin and hung our suits up to dry and packed up our run stuff to take to T2 post expo. the expo took forever but we got some gooooood info for the race and i got to see some interesting pics. i am retardedly excited about the schtuff i got there and now have to make it through the race so i can wear it!! we're back at the cabin, i've had a bit to eat but will eat mor
e soon. i'm SO exhausted. no amount of mascara can mask the sleepy eye today. thinkin about takin a nap, going to eat some serious pasta, gonna sit in the hot tub, gonna get in some serious stretchin, gonna prep the bike and swim stuff for tomorrow, and gonna calm my head and brain and enjoy the time here. cause this is what all the training is about. it's about getting to this point where i can sit back, relax, know that what will happen tomorrow will happen, enjoy the people around me and the experiences here, and KNOW that i will be a half ironman finisher before this time tomorrow afternoon.
no matter what i feel/think/fear/hope for tomorrow, i will finish and i will make the absolute most of it. Tim is with me and tomorrow we will have the times of our lives :0)
ciao for now
~danban
7/17/08
dreading it
this weekend is vineman and surprisingly i am very much dreading the whole experience. part because of why i didn't get to go last year. part because i feel like i have NOT trained enough and let work get in the way. part because the arrangements for this weekend have been so scattered. and a big part cause i'm just plain scurred for no other reason than i haven't done this race or this distance ever. those of you who really know me know that none of the above equation will actually hinder me from doing the race and finishing the race. the problem is whether or not i'll enjoy any of the weekend especially the race. i feel completely unprepared for this race and my nutrition that goes into the race (not the race itself) and sleep for the race (cause i haven't been sleeping much lately) and prep for my transition areas (cause i don't really know wtf i'm supposed to put together and i have to know so i can pack it cause apparently there isn't much in the way of stores and supplies once we get there). these are the things that are popping up constantly in my brain mixed in with the shit ton of work i'm supposed to do before i go or during the trip. all that combined give me a feeling that i should just give my friggin race entry away!! stupid i know. i know i'm just frustrating myself and that everything will turn out just fine etc. etc. etc. just hard to see the trees through the forest sometimes ya know?!
On the brighter side, i am very much looking forward to spending some quality time with katie b and bri. it should prove to be a ridiculously interesting car ride up and back! and yes, do not despair because i am partially excited about my first half iron! it's a HUGE accomplishment and i couldn't have imagined i would've ever done something like this yet here i am! much thanks to my training partners: sandra, cynthia, jess f and her hubby donovan f, avery, chris p, and the ones who supported with love and patience (mostly katie b). i promise to cross that finish line. it'll happen and i'll probably be grinnin from ear to ear. so never fear, the danban will kick some ass even if it is her own! 
as for other topics, i've had some wonderful distractions the last couple days that have kept my brain from lingering on things i cannot change. not to say that i no longer mourn the loss of a dear friend. he is in my mind constantly. i just find that i can now also linger on more positive topics than the demise of his killer. i remember a wonderful world with him in it and as the lyrics bry pointed out, as long as Tim is in my heart he IS as real as me. so in part, he is here with us always and does continue to brighten this world which is definitely a heart warming piece of knowledge.
peace out for now,
~danban
On the brighter side, i am very much looking forward to spending some quality time with katie b and bri. it should prove to be a ridiculously interesting car ride up and back! and yes, do not despair because i am partially excited about my first half iron! it's a HUGE accomplishment and i couldn't have imagined i would've ever done something like this yet here i am! much thanks to my training partners: sandra, cynthia, jess f and her hubby donovan f, avery, chris p, and the ones who supported with love and patience (mostly katie b). i promise to cross that finish line. it'll happen and i'll probably be grinnin from ear to ear. so never fear, the danban will kick some ass even if it is her own! 
as for other topics, i've had some wonderful distractions the last couple days that have kept my brain from lingering on things i cannot change. not to say that i no longer mourn the loss of a dear friend. he is in my mind constantly. i just find that i can now also linger on more positive topics than the demise of his killer. i remember a wonderful world with him in it and as the lyrics bry pointed out, as long as Tim is in my heart he IS as real as me. so in part, he is here with us always and does continue to brighten this world which is definitely a heart warming piece of knowledge. peace out for now,
~danban
7/14/08
sorry i'm not here at the moment, can i take a message?
crushed. empty. heart broken. numb. tired. need a drink. can't still be real. monsters don't have myspace! ........... just thoughts that keep running through my head. that's about all that fills this brain these days. there's just a void in my chest and i keep feeling like i need to run around an check that all friends and family are ok cause i feel like i'm losing someone. then i remember i LOST someone. someone who really really really really really isn't coming back. one year later and i expect to hear his laugh. the bbq wasn't the same without a drop in to clean up the left overs that no one else could eat. he was bigger than life and someone decided that meant he shouldn't be on this earth. it makes no sense to me and i am selfish cause i just want him back. i find that today i can barely function. there's not much i do that doesn't make me think think think think of him and how empty the world seems without him in it. and i'm more transparent than ever about it. yesterday i saw kelly and she knew pretty much right away that something was wrong. currently i have my head phones on which i never do so that i don't have to talk to my co-workers cause i don't want to burst into tears like the emotional wreck i've turned into these days. i feel terrible about it cause i really do love my co-workers and i've been very fortunate to be paired with two of the most awesome people in this office. i just don't want to talk to anyone today which is BAD cause i have to go to client site at 1pm. i want to go home and sleep through the rest of this day and possibly the week. i sit back and am amazed by how much of a wreck i've turned into. this isn't me. this isn't how i handle stuff. i keep it in and don't allow it to affect anything especially work. i have a shield i wear to protect others from my pain. but i can't help it this time. it's too overwhelming and i want to re-create the day i found out. slip from my chair onto the floor and curl up into a ball under my desk and bawl until there are no more tears. i'm pretty sure that's the wrong way to handle it though so i'm working to keep my head from thinking thinking thinking thinking. seeing his name etched into marble was like a sucker punch. i couldn't breathe. i didn't want to think that all 6'4 of my friend could be behind such a tiny little piece of marble. how can all the wonderfulness and love that he was could be in such a small space?! doesn't seem possible at all. i miss him more than imaginable. so, please leave me in my haze a little longer. i promise to return eventually. until then........please leave a message and i'll return your call shortly.
~danban
~danban
7/11/08
addendum from bry for Tim
lyrics from the bravery:
"This Is Not The End"
Tell me
Come on tell me what you can
Even as you wait for death you're wiser than I am
Tell me what does it mean to exist
I am not a scientist I must believe in more than this
And I can not accept
That everything is real
Is only what our eyes can see
And our hands can feel
[chorus:]
Not even earth can hold us
Not even life controls us
Not even the ground can keep us down
The memories in my head
Are just as real the time we spent
You always be close to me
My friend
This is not the end
I see
I can see you're so afraid
You wear it like a silver hood on you even fear looks good
I wish I wish I had some words to give
But all I can think to say
Is I'll be with you everyday
[chorus]
Not even earth can hold us
Not even life controls us
Not even the ground can keep us down
The memories in my head
I just realized the time we spent
You'll always be close to me
My friend
This is not the end
La la la la la
This is not the end
La la la l al la
This is not the end
I don't care
I don't care what you believe
As long as you are in my heart
You're just as real as me
Maybe even more
Someone has touched so many lives
Can never never die
"This Is Not The End"
Tell me
Come on tell me what you can
Even as you wait for death you're wiser than I am
Tell me what does it mean to exist
I am not a scientist I must believe in more than this
And I can not accept
That everything is real
Is only what our eyes can see
And our hands can feel
[chorus:]
Not even earth can hold us
Not even life controls us
Not even the ground can keep us down
The memories in my head
Are just as real the time we spent
You always be close to me
My friend
This is not the end
I see
I can see you're so afraid
You wear it like a silver hood on you even fear looks good
I wish I wish I had some words to give
But all I can think to say
Is I'll be with you everyday
[chorus]
Not even earth can hold us
Not even life controls us
Not even the ground can keep us down
The memories in my head
I just realized the time we spent
You'll always be close to me
My friend
This is not the end
La la la la la
This is not the end
La la la l al la
This is not the end
I don't care
I don't care what you believe
As long as you are in my heart
You're just as real as me
Maybe even more
Someone has touched so many lives
Can never never die
justice yet no reprieve
they found him. they found the one who killed Tim. they found him in prison in nevada. they followed through and brought justice to those who were privileged enough to have had Tim in our lives. and yet it offers no real comfort. i've told people throughout the day and posted the news in blogs and as the time grows nearer the pain grows sharper. others are happy and smile and give out hugs yet the pain grows. the tears continue to grow in my eyes even though i will them not to at work and they fall consistently. this monster will not hurt anyone else. it doesn't bring my friend back. it doesn't give me more memories with a pure, generous, loving, honorable soul. my thoughts and feelings are all jumbled and i hardly know what to do with myself. i'll make it through this work day and re-evaluate at that point.
i feel like i'm drowning at times and then i pull myself back and know that he wouldn't want any of us to dwell in sad thoughts. he would want us to get together, bbq, eat un-human amounts of food, drink mickey's, laugh at the good times, create more good memories with him associated to those memories, and most of all he would want us to heal with each other and the love that he shared with us.
i still hear his laugh. i still see his smile. i still feel his love for each and every one of us. he will always be a part of my life and he will always be cherished in my memories. so, for those of you who did not know him but want to honor him, hold your mickey's high and wish Tim all the love in return that he has given to those he knew.~danban
here is the monster on america's most wanted web site: http://www.amw.com/fugitives/profile.cfm?id=39162
article from sign on san diego with the details:
July 11, 2008
SAN DIEGO – Homicide detectives have arrested two people and are working to extradite a third in connection with three slayings that occurred in 2005 and 2007.Michael Mason, 32, is awaiting extradition from a Nevada prison, where he has been held since 2007 on an unrelated parole violation, San Diego homicide Lt. Kevin Rooney said.
Detectives announced yesterday that they have arrested two others on suspicion of being accessories to murder.
The first homicide occurred Nov. 25, 2005, when several masked, armed robbers forced their way into a home in Valencia Park and tied up five victims, beating them for more than seven hours, police said.
The assailants demanded money that they believed was at the house. The ordeal ended when they forced Sacha Newbern, 25, and Mecio McGhee, 30, into a bathtub, doused them with gasoline and shot them at close range, police said.
The three other hostages escaped.
On July 14, 2007, Tim Traaen, 30, and his girlfriend were walking to their car in North Park after leaving a bar when a gunman approached, demanding money.
The robber shot both of them, killing Traaen and wounding his girlfriend, before running away, police said.
Evidence eventually tied Mason to both cases.
Mason was the subject of an intense manhunt last year for his possible role in the 2005 slayings and was featured on “America's Most Wanted” before his arrest in Las Vegas.
“It's been a long time coming,” said Newbern's father, Carl Davis, who is now raising Newbern's three sons. “It feels so good to start to get some closure and to be able to put this whole thing behind us.”
Yesterday, Jessica Jones, 24, was arrested at her Lemon Grove home in connection with Traaen's slaying. On Wednesday, Tamoyia Morris, 31, was arrested in connection with the McGhee-Newbern homicides.
Both have been booked on suspicion of being an accessory to murder and participating in a criminal street gang.
7/8/08
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
ok so i promise i'm in the works on the 4th o july update but i had to post this/ask this question. so i was swimming this morning and decided to do a 1000 mtr pull and during the pull i had the most disgusting experience. when i swim i find that all the runny nose snot nastiness has a tendency to start congealing and moving toward the base of my throat. it is the most disgusting thing imaginable!! this morning it made me half gag twice during my swim (no, i did not stop cause i was bound and determined to make the whole 1000 mtr pull) and basically spit out the nastiness from my mouth. it was beyond gross!! so, has anyone out there experienced this?? how the hell do i keep it from happening again?!?!!! help!
~danban
~danban
7/7/08
celebrating the hell out o my independence :0)
this 4th o july was definitely different than the last and i fully celebrated every moment of it! there was only one missing piece from this year but he will be missing every 4th from now on. i'm sure he would've celebrated with me had he been here and able :0) mom has been in town helping bry with the retaining wall in the front yard and just spending time with her kids. all in all it was a good trip (yes, we had one of our signature banister blowups on thurs the 3rd and i will refrain from the details cause i'm sure you don't wanna hear it) and it was good to have her in town.
the evening of the 3rd, i headed down to pick up mom and bry and headed to ski beach to see 
kate e. and her new hubby. (not sure if that's what she's calling him but that's what i'm calling him!) it was great to see her and the whole sdsc crew. i haven't seen most of them in a very very very
long time. one of kate's sisters has been in town with her hubby and they were at the cookout too. umut and friends were hilarious cause they were bbq'ing it with NO utensils!! just flipping burgers and chicken with their fingers!! it got pretty chilly around the time that katie b joined us. around that time people were beginning to say goodnight and head home. we decided to say some c'ya later's and head to south beach for oysters and a beverage or two.
i will say this now with no reservations..........i LOVE SOUTHBEACH!!!! oysters make me happy,
fish tacos (specifically mahi tacos) make me happy, everything about the place makes me happy (except scouring for a table). if you have not been, what is wrong with you?! GO!! immediately!!!! that being said, we had a good conversations, phenomenal food, and eventually pulled our butts off our bar stools to head home. this was the time of the banister fight so we'll skip to the end...... headed over to katie b's after dropping off the fam to help her put together her bike before she committed murder. i'm just glad her creepy roommie wasn't there or she just might have had to go to jail!! jk :0) anyway, i get there and it seriously looks like a war zone. like someone's dropped a bomb on her new beach cruiser and it's guts are laying all over the floor and like a medic with her tools she's trying desperately to put it back together! it was HILARIOUS and priceless!! i helped her put it together and the result was gorgeous! so much so that i had to go the next day and get one of my very own!! anyway, we were up til like 1am putting delilah together.
the 4th started off with breakfast at the naked cafe (one of my favorites) and i had my usual :0) we headed off to the bike place (see katie b's blog for the name o the place cause i forget) and i found my new baby!! her name is leila and she is GORGEOUS!! decided not to get the one that has to be put together so we took some time and eventually got her in the back of katie's car which was a whole other hilarious feat in and of itself! we headed back to katie b's to get ready
for our day out and about on the town with our two new girls. about the time we were ready, we heard from my fam and decided to head to sunshine cafe in ob to spend the beginning of the 4th with them. the start of our adventure was beyond funny. you'd think two seasoned triathletes would be able to manage beach cruisers. we could NOT! we were swerving all over the place like alcoholics who found their first bar after being stranded on a beach for 5 years. it was truly a sight to behold!! when we finally got our balance we cruiser'd it down to sunshine and locked the girls up outside the cafe. hung out with matt, bry, and mom with a few beverages before sorting out the plan of attack for the day. we were going to cruiser over to pb to meet up with katie b's friends then back to her place and off to bry's for dinner. that is seriously the most of a plan you will ever get out of the banister clan when we're together!!
katie b and i got back on our cruisers and headed out on a much longer ride than i'd anticipated considering we had only one gear on our bikes! we headed from where we were around the bay a
nd off to diamond in pb. met up with her friends who were seriously drunk when we got there. everyone was already ready to head out to the next party so we hopped back on the cruisers and went toward law st. we ended up in the middle of a water fight which katie b and i were NOT amused by cause we did not want our new cruisers wet!! eventually headed from there back to her place no worse for the wear and tear but definitely buzzed off the champagne we were drinkin. ran into buddy and a few others around the bay on the way to katie's. changed quickly at her place and i drove us (yes, i was sober at this point......remember, long beach cruisin ride) to hillcrest.
bry and mom were at bourbon with mr. christopher so we hit up henry's (STARVING at this point) and then went to meet them at bourbon for a min or two. hung for a tiny bit and then went to eat some serious yumminess at bry's. he was kind enough to cook crab, scallops, salmon and shrimp for our 4th feast :0) i will never celebrate the 4th without these things again!! after our yummy feast we went to hang out with mr. christopher for a bit more since he was leaving for iraq again :0( met up at lei lounge and had quite a few laughs with our new friend, shameless!! i will miss mr. christopher even though we have not been as close of late. i can't wait for him to get back in jan though so we can tear up the town again!! after such a long day and with the traffic piling up like it was, i just crashed at katie b's again on the night of the 4th. all i can say is WOW WHAT A DAY!!!!
on the 5th, katie b and i started off on the right foot by sleeping in the late late hour of 9. that's right folks, we are lazy bastards!! we headed back to naked and had a repeat breakfast from the day before cause we're both creatures of habit and love our fav breakfasts!! cruisered it to the beach after breakfast and ran into trey and his wonderful moobies :0) i miss that boy!! i ended up with some serious sun on my back which will do a nice job of evening out the racer back tan
but hurt for a few days. headed back to katie b's eventually and i headed to bry's to see the retaining wall. it looks amazing!! SO glad he finally got rid of the bushes in the front yard cause they were hideous and completely covered half his front lawn. so we all cleaned up and got food ready for bry's poker night. i hung with mom for a bit and watched the ufc (SO glad forrest won). headed home kinda late but had a good night overall :0)
slept in on the 6th big time! i mean didn't roll out of bed til
10:30ish! got my schtuff together and headed down to katie b's. we beach cruiser'd it over to bali hi for brunch with the fam :0) here's where we get a bit rowdy!! it was free champagne and the waiter dude seriously kept it coming. i mean i'd be chatting with someone and BAM there he was filling my empty glass without asking! what a SAINT!! so eventually katie b had the sense to cut us off otherwise i would've stayed there drinking ALL day!! we had a great time hanging out and bri even joined the fam gathering. tons of good food and phenomenal company. such a great mornin. i LOVE sunday fundays!!!! katie b and i decided after brunch to cruiser it down to jt's and let him know that we'd traded in our tri bikes for our new cruisers! he seemed mostly amused by how drunk we were
but still humored us when we said we wanted aero bars on our cruisers :0) eventually cruiser'd it back to her place and had some of bri's home made knock you on your ass sangria while getting ready for more beach time. eventually dragged our butts to the beach where we promptly passed out for a while (luckily no burn this time). it was great to get to relax so 
much!! we walked around shopping when we pulled ourselves off the sand. mostly we were attempting to get hungry enough to tackle south beach again. and tackle it we did!! two dozen oysters and three tacos later we were SPENT for the weekend.
by far it was the best weekend of 2008 :0) it was great to get so much in but still be able to relax and enjoy the weekend for the fun it should have been and was. i'm seriously blessed to have so many phenomenal people in my life that help me keep my sense of adventure and child-like attitude when it should be enjoyed most!! thanks katie b for making it special!!
much love
~danban
the evening of the 3rd, i headed down to pick up mom and bry and headed to ski beach to see 
kate e. and her new hubby. (not sure if that's what she's calling him but that's what i'm calling him!) it was great to see her and the whole sdsc crew. i haven't seen most of them in a very very very
long time. one of kate's sisters has been in town with her hubby and they were at the cookout too. umut and friends were hilarious cause they were bbq'ing it with NO utensils!! just flipping burgers and chicken with their fingers!! it got pretty chilly around the time that katie b joined us. around that time people were beginning to say goodnight and head home. we decided to say some c'ya later's and head to south beach for oysters and a beverage or two.i will say this now with no reservations..........i LOVE SOUTHBEACH!!!! oysters make me happy,
fish tacos (specifically mahi tacos) make me happy, everything about the place makes me happy (except scouring for a table). if you have not been, what is wrong with you?! GO!! immediately!!!! that being said, we had a good conversations, phenomenal food, and eventually pulled our butts off our bar stools to head home. this was the time of the banister fight so we'll skip to the end...... headed over to katie b's after dropping off the fam to help her put together her bike before she committed murder. i'm just glad her creepy roommie wasn't there or she just might have had to go to jail!! jk :0) anyway, i get there and it seriously looks like a war zone. like someone's dropped a bomb on her new beach cruiser and it's guts are laying all over the floor and like a medic with her tools she's trying desperately to put it back together! it was HILARIOUS and priceless!! i helped her put it together and the result was gorgeous! so much so that i had to go the next day and get one of my very own!! anyway, we were up til like 1am putting delilah together.
the 4th started off with breakfast at the naked cafe (one of my favorites) and i had my usual :0) we headed off to the bike place (see katie b's blog for the name o the place cause i forget) and i found my new baby!! her name is leila and she is GORGEOUS!! decided not to get the one that has to be put together so we took some time and eventually got her in the back of katie's car which was a whole other hilarious feat in and of itself! we headed back to katie b's to get ready
for our day out and about on the town with our two new girls. about the time we were ready, we heard from my fam and decided to head to sunshine cafe in ob to spend the beginning of the 4th with them. the start of our adventure was beyond funny. you'd think two seasoned triathletes would be able to manage beach cruisers. we could NOT! we were swerving all over the place like alcoholics who found their first bar after being stranded on a beach for 5 years. it was truly a sight to behold!! when we finally got our balance we cruiser'd it down to sunshine and locked the girls up outside the cafe. hung out with matt, bry, and mom with a few beverages before sorting out the plan of attack for the day. we were going to cruiser over to pb to meet up with katie b's friends then back to her place and off to bry's for dinner. that is seriously the most of a plan you will ever get out of the banister clan when we're together!!
katie b and i got back on our cruisers and headed out on a much longer ride than i'd anticipated considering we had only one gear on our bikes! we headed from where we were around the bay a
nd off to diamond in pb. met up with her friends who were seriously drunk when we got there. everyone was already ready to head out to the next party so we hopped back on the cruisers and went toward law st. we ended up in the middle of a water fight which katie b and i were NOT amused by cause we did not want our new cruisers wet!! eventually headed from there back to her place no worse for the wear and tear but definitely buzzed off the champagne we were drinkin. ran into buddy and a few others around the bay on the way to katie's. changed quickly at her place and i drove us (yes, i was sober at this point......remember, long beach cruisin ride) to hillcrest.
bry and mom were at bourbon with mr. christopher so we hit up henry's (STARVING at this point) and then went to meet them at bourbon for a min or two. hung for a tiny bit and then went to eat some serious yumminess at bry's. he was kind enough to cook crab, scallops, salmon and shrimp for our 4th feast :0) i will never celebrate the 4th without these things again!! after our yummy feast we went to hang out with mr. christopher for a bit more since he was leaving for iraq again :0( met up at lei lounge and had quite a few laughs with our new friend, shameless!! i will miss mr. christopher even though we have not been as close of late. i can't wait for him to get back in jan though so we can tear up the town again!! after such a long day and with the traffic piling up like it was, i just crashed at katie b's again on the night of the 4th. all i can say is WOW WHAT A DAY!!!!
on the 5th, katie b and i started off on the right foot by sleeping in the late late hour of 9. that's right folks, we are lazy bastards!! we headed back to naked and had a repeat breakfast from the day before cause we're both creatures of habit and love our fav breakfasts!! cruisered it to the beach after breakfast and ran into trey and his wonderful moobies :0) i miss that boy!! i ended up with some serious sun on my back which will do a nice job of evening out the racer back tan
but hurt for a few days. headed back to katie b's eventually and i headed to bry's to see the retaining wall. it looks amazing!! SO glad he finally got rid of the bushes in the front yard cause they were hideous and completely covered half his front lawn. so we all cleaned up and got food ready for bry's poker night. i hung with mom for a bit and watched the ufc (SO glad forrest won). headed home kinda late but had a good night overall :0)slept in on the 6th big time! i mean didn't roll out of bed til
10:30ish! got my schtuff together and headed down to katie b's. we beach cruiser'd it over to bali hi for brunch with the fam :0) here's where we get a bit rowdy!! it was free champagne and the waiter dude seriously kept it coming. i mean i'd be chatting with someone and BAM there he was filling my empty glass without asking! what a SAINT!! so eventually katie b had the sense to cut us off otherwise i would've stayed there drinking ALL day!! we had a great time hanging out and bri even joined the fam gathering. tons of good food and phenomenal company. such a great mornin. i LOVE sunday fundays!!!! katie b and i decided after brunch to cruiser it down to jt's and let him know that we'd traded in our tri bikes for our new cruisers! he seemed mostly amused by how drunk we were
but still humored us when we said we wanted aero bars on our cruisers :0) eventually cruiser'd it back to her place and had some of bri's home made knock you on your ass sangria while getting ready for more beach time. eventually dragged our butts to the beach where we promptly passed out for a while (luckily no burn this time). it was great to get to relax so 
much!! we walked around shopping when we pulled ourselves off the sand. mostly we were attempting to get hungry enough to tackle south beach again. and tackle it we did!! two dozen oysters and three tacos later we were SPENT for the weekend.by far it was the best weekend of 2008 :0) it was great to get so much in but still be able to relax and enjoy the weekend for the fun it should have been and was. i'm seriously blessed to have so many phenomenal people in my life that help me keep my sense of adventure and child-like attitude when it should be enjoyed most!! thanks katie b for making it special!!
much love
~danban
7/3/08
uuummmm - excuse me?
there is this completely bizarre situation that i find myself in as of late. those who know me and talk to me on a regular basis know the particulars. what i found is this: i chose to be swept up into someone else's drama based on something that started out as me supporting someone else. i find it truly amazing how a whirlwind such as this person has accumulated and created SO much drama in such as short time. i mean it really is like a hurricane at this point!! it's funny to take a
step back and realize that no matter how retarded the whole situation seems, it really is not that important in the grand scheme of things cause life just keeps on movin on. i mean yes, your drama means what it means to you but the impact i choose to let it have on my life is my own. and as of yesterday i choose out of this particular crazy person's reality of life. i've realized there is absolutely NO reason on this planet that i should allow someone else's reality dictate how i behave. i will not change who i am and how i choose to live my life to accommodate this person. life is about compromise and choices and for those i truly care about, i will go to the ends of the earth and beyond. and i know that you would too. i trust you and i love you and i know you know i am forever here for you. this particular crazy; however, no longer deserves the time or investment to assist the situation she is creating because she has proven time and time and time and time again that while she'll pretend to hear what is said and pretend to want to change and then turn right around and do whatever she wants to do anyway. someone like that is not the kind of person who will EVER be someone i could rely upon and i need more support in my life than those who need to be babysat or tip toed around. enough. the fact that this person chooses to believe the terrible things she's made up about my character only speaks to me about the terrible ugliness she chooses to keep in her life. to imagine that someone who has been nothing but support to you would take information you gave in confidence and use it against you, makes me horribly saddened that such a tale could be dreampt of and yet those are the charges laid against me without proof. well i'm not going to waste my time fighting that battle because it is a battle of one person against herself. i - the danban - am not truly who the anger and terrible stories are pitted against. she is raging against herself and i will no longer choose to play into that losing hand of poker.
i choose a different game and my game is one with love, support, generosity, and faith. i gotta say, i feel monumentally better to have taken a step back, looked at this situation with a fresh set of eyes, and chosen to walk away from it. and that in and of itself, speaks volumes to me about how i was putting myself through my own type of battle. well i'm putting away my hammer thank you! this month is difficult enough without unnecessarily adding someone else's pain on top of my own. i have my own deamons to fight and i know i am not alone. thank you katie b. thank you sarah b. thank you brandon b. thank you to all of those who have listened and let me rant. the rant stops here!! if you hear me raging again, please feel free to smack me in the forehead and tell me to stop it immediately :0)
this is a weekend of fun and family and friends and i say let's tackle that!! let's go out and spend time with the people we choose to keep in our lives because they are special to us. i choose to tell my loved ones that i am truly blessed to have them in my life. i am ridiculously excited to get to spend time with each and every one of you. because this time of the year reminds me that i will never know when you might be taken from my life. you are all too important to me to not tell you so!! so, to those who i will not see tomorrow......have a KICK ASS 4th and i will talk to you soon. otherwise, i'll tackle ya when i see ya and give ya a huge hug so be prepared!!!!
MUCH love and appreciation
~danban
step back and realize that no matter how retarded the whole situation seems, it really is not that important in the grand scheme of things cause life just keeps on movin on. i mean yes, your drama means what it means to you but the impact i choose to let it have on my life is my own. and as of yesterday i choose out of this particular crazy person's reality of life. i've realized there is absolutely NO reason on this planet that i should allow someone else's reality dictate how i behave. i will not change who i am and how i choose to live my life to accommodate this person. life is about compromise and choices and for those i truly care about, i will go to the ends of the earth and beyond. and i know that you would too. i trust you and i love you and i know you know i am forever here for you. this particular crazy; however, no longer deserves the time or investment to assist the situation she is creating because she has proven time and time and time and time again that while she'll pretend to hear what is said and pretend to want to change and then turn right around and do whatever she wants to do anyway. someone like that is not the kind of person who will EVER be someone i could rely upon and i need more support in my life than those who need to be babysat or tip toed around. enough. the fact that this person chooses to believe the terrible things she's made up about my character only speaks to me about the terrible ugliness she chooses to keep in her life. to imagine that someone who has been nothing but support to you would take information you gave in confidence and use it against you, makes me horribly saddened that such a tale could be dreampt of and yet those are the charges laid against me without proof. well i'm not going to waste my time fighting that battle because it is a battle of one person against herself. i - the danban - am not truly who the anger and terrible stories are pitted against. she is raging against herself and i will no longer choose to play into that losing hand of poker.
i choose a different game and my game is one with love, support, generosity, and faith. i gotta say, i feel monumentally better to have taken a step back, looked at this situation with a fresh set of eyes, and chosen to walk away from it. and that in and of itself, speaks volumes to me about how i was putting myself through my own type of battle. well i'm putting away my hammer thank you! this month is difficult enough without unnecessarily adding someone else's pain on top of my own. i have my own deamons to fight and i know i am not alone. thank you katie b. thank you sarah b. thank you brandon b. thank you to all of those who have listened and let me rant. the rant stops here!! if you hear me raging again, please feel free to smack me in the forehead and tell me to stop it immediately :0)this is a weekend of fun and family and friends and i say let's tackle that!! let's go out and spend time with the people we choose to keep in our lives because they are special to us. i choose to tell my loved ones that i am truly blessed to have them in my life. i am ridiculously excited to get to spend time with each and every one of you. because this time of the year reminds me that i will never know when you might be taken from my life. you are all too important to me to not tell you so!! so, to those who i will not see tomorrow......have a KICK ASS 4th and i will talk to you soon. otherwise, i'll tackle ya when i see ya and give ya a huge hug so be prepared!!!!
MUCH love and appreciation
~danban
7/1/08
taking the inspiration and sprinting with it
thank you katie b :0) your blog has inspired me to continue to keep writing. yes, june was a seriously slackin month but i'm back in july and want to write it all out!!
i have been very lucky to have been able to spend so much time with family lately. nicole's graduation was ..... well, a graduation! bry was able to make it in from his three week trip to
spend the time with us. he was VERY out of it as he'd only really been back in the country for a few days and had partied the days he was in town with slater traaen and thomas. and not only did he make it into town but he also brought gifts! all three of the sisters got harp necklaces from dublin (i wear mine most days as does nicole). nicole also got a man u scarf from one of the games (i think) that he got to attend while he was there - lucky!! the best part of graduations - or at least the last two - has been the post graduation ceremony dinner of the melting pot. if you haven't been, it's one of my recommendations on a GREAT night out. it is truly an event! but you must go when you're starving cause even though fondue doesn't sound like it'd fill you, trust me i am beyond stuffed every time i roll out of there! luckily i don't go there more than once a year otherwise i'd be seriously banned from pools (the inevitable whale terror). so, the weekend wasn't all filled with the banister clan. i got in a nice 60 miler with avery and chris p. it was AWESOME to spend the time with such a great pair of men! i haven't gotten to chat with either of them in too long. avery mentioned that lisa was a taaaad jealous that he got to spend some quality time with the danban without her. how sweet is that?! so we eventually made it back to the road that leads to the 
house and of COURSE i got a flat from some jerkwad who threw a zima bottle on the bike path. after much struggling on the phone to get jenn and bry to where we were, we hitched a ride back to the house and spent the rest of the evening at the open house for nicole. avery and lisa stayed for quite a while keeping me company. i miss those two terribly and wish they lived closer so i could see them more often. all in all the trip was TOO short and i wished i could have gotten some time to spend with the miller fam. it's always good to see the girls and dad. i am blessed to finally have some closeness with them in my life. i feel like they're as excited to see me as i am to see them.......at least that's what i've been telling myself :0)
as somewhat of a surprise to me, i was able to spend some more time in indy because of my job. i was sent to ft. wayne for requirements gathering and was able to sneak in a trip to indy to see the fam! as a bonus, i spent some time with the miller fam (minus nathan :0( sniff) and made it down to b-ton for a reunion with my college days. friday night and saturday morning i got in some serious quality time with patty which was much much needed. she is one of the best conversationalists and i thoroughly enjoy ALL of my conversations with her. i wish i could see her more often and wish she would visit katie more often so i could get qt with both of them at the same time!! saturday we dropped by matty's work and got to see what it is he really does and where he spends all of his on call time.....i was starting to wonder!! after picking up a car at dad's, i headed down to b-ton to spend some qt with lisa and avery again........YAY!! i feel seriously beyond blessed to have gotten to see them twice in two months! we did some shoppin around the art walk and then down to some funky little store where i bought the CUTEST s
hoes ever!! they were sweet enough to indulge me by going to Lenny's for the best salad ever. we eventually ended up back at their pad to play some euchre with elaine and mikey showed up with james and i instantly felt like i'd digressed back to college......definitely not in a bad way. it was nice to have that sense of familiarity. i wish katie had gotten to join us to make the evening absolutely perfect! we ended instead with some pizza express breadsticks with their yummy yummy cheeeeeeeze sauce :0) headed back up on sunday for hang out time with the fam and dinner before jenn drove me up to ft. wayne on her way to work. when she dropped me off, we ended up spending some quality time in the hot tub while my co-workers were in a meeting!! heheehehehe - yup, that's how i roll :0) after the work schtuff was done, i drove with a co-worker down to the house to spend wed night before flying out of indy on thurs. we had dinner with dad and lorinne then back to the house. jenn showed up eventually and we spent some more qt in the fam hot tub. i won't bore you with all the rest of the details of the trip but needless to say, it was awesome to have been able to spend so much time with family that i get to see once a year and friends who i get to see even less often. it was refreshing to be there and spend time with people who hold so much of my history in their memories. i love them all very much and hope to see them all again VERY soon......
so for this holiday weekend upcoming, yet more family adventures are on the horizon as my mom is in town. so far she's been helping bry with the yard and the re-creation of the front. i know she's enjoyed it emmensely and wishes i'd spend more time down there. it's very difficult to do with the time and $$ of driving ot bry's on such a consistent basis. tonight has been my ONE night home since returning from indy. in fact, i have yet to unpack!! i'm not sure yet what we'll do for the 4th but i'm sure it's going to be filled with lots and lots of stories as banister adventures typically are!!
the one event this month that i am dreading is on the 13th/14th. it's an anniversary i am saddened by and i'd like to say that i'm going to share everything that goes along with that but i'm not sure that i'm ready. it has yet to be a year and i'm still in shock. there are more tears as the days grow near and i'm sure the emotions will become more and more raw. i'm beyond grateful to katie b who has been a sounding board through a time where i should be more of her rock. i guess we're both leaning on each other......guess it's good we're both going in the same direction. all i will say for now is that i very much miss my friend........
that's all for now kids...........
~danban
i have been very lucky to have been able to spend so much time with family lately. nicole's graduation was ..... well, a graduation! bry was able to make it in from his three week trip to
spend the time with us. he was VERY out of it as he'd only really been back in the country for a few days and had partied the days he was in town with slater traaen and thomas. and not only did he make it into town but he also brought gifts! all three of the sisters got harp necklaces from dublin (i wear mine most days as does nicole). nicole also got a man u scarf from one of the games (i think) that he got to attend while he was there - lucky!! the best part of graduations - or at least the last two - has been the post graduation ceremony dinner of the melting pot. if you haven't been, it's one of my recommendations on a GREAT night out. it is truly an event! but you must go when you're starving cause even though fondue doesn't sound like it'd fill you, trust me i am beyond stuffed every time i roll out of there! luckily i don't go there more than once a year otherwise i'd be seriously banned from pools (the inevitable whale terror). so, the weekend wasn't all filled with the banister clan. i got in a nice 60 miler with avery and chris p. it was AWESOME to spend the time with such a great pair of men! i haven't gotten to chat with either of them in too long. avery mentioned that lisa was a taaaad jealous that he got to spend some quality time with the danban without her. how sweet is that?! so we eventually made it back to the road that leads to the 
house and of COURSE i got a flat from some jerkwad who threw a zima bottle on the bike path. after much struggling on the phone to get jenn and bry to where we were, we hitched a ride back to the house and spent the rest of the evening at the open house for nicole. avery and lisa stayed for quite a while keeping me company. i miss those two terribly and wish they lived closer so i could see them more often. all in all the trip was TOO short and i wished i could have gotten some time to spend with the miller fam. it's always good to see the girls and dad. i am blessed to finally have some closeness with them in my life. i feel like they're as excited to see me as i am to see them.......at least that's what i've been telling myself :0)as somewhat of a surprise to me, i was able to spend some more time in indy because of my job. i was sent to ft. wayne for requirements gathering and was able to sneak in a trip to indy to see the fam! as a bonus, i spent some time with the miller fam (minus nathan :0( sniff) and made it down to b-ton for a reunion with my college days. friday night and saturday morning i got in some serious quality time with patty which was much much needed. she is one of the best conversationalists and i thoroughly enjoy ALL of my conversations with her. i wish i could see her more often and wish she would visit katie more often so i could get qt with both of them at the same time!! saturday we dropped by matty's work and got to see what it is he really does and where he spends all of his on call time.....i was starting to wonder!! after picking up a car at dad's, i headed down to b-ton to spend some qt with lisa and avery again........YAY!! i feel seriously beyond blessed to have gotten to see them twice in two months! we did some shoppin around the art walk and then down to some funky little store where i bought the CUTEST s
hoes ever!! they were sweet enough to indulge me by going to Lenny's for the best salad ever. we eventually ended up back at their pad to play some euchre with elaine and mikey showed up with james and i instantly felt like i'd digressed back to college......definitely not in a bad way. it was nice to have that sense of familiarity. i wish katie had gotten to join us to make the evening absolutely perfect! we ended instead with some pizza express breadsticks with their yummy yummy cheeeeeeeze sauce :0) headed back up on sunday for hang out time with the fam and dinner before jenn drove me up to ft. wayne on her way to work. when she dropped me off, we ended up spending some quality time in the hot tub while my co-workers were in a meeting!! heheehehehe - yup, that's how i roll :0) after the work schtuff was done, i drove with a co-worker down to the house to spend wed night before flying out of indy on thurs. we had dinner with dad and lorinne then back to the house. jenn showed up eventually and we spent some more qt in the fam hot tub. i won't bore you with all the rest of the details of the trip but needless to say, it was awesome to have been able to spend so much time with family that i get to see once a year and friends who i get to see even less often. it was refreshing to be there and spend time with people who hold so much of my history in their memories. i love them all very much and hope to see them all again VERY soon......so for this holiday weekend upcoming, yet more family adventures are on the horizon as my mom is in town. so far she's been helping bry with the yard and the re-creation of the front. i know she's enjoyed it emmensely and wishes i'd spend more time down there. it's very difficult to do with the time and $$ of driving ot bry's on such a consistent basis. tonight has been my ONE night home since returning from indy. in fact, i have yet to unpack!! i'm not sure yet what we'll do for the 4th but i'm sure it's going to be filled with lots and lots of stories as banister adventures typically are!!
the one event this month that i am dreading is on the 13th/14th. it's an anniversary i am saddened by and i'd like to say that i'm going to share everything that goes along with that but i'm not sure that i'm ready. it has yet to be a year and i'm still in shock. there are more tears as the days grow near and i'm sure the emotions will become more and more raw. i'm beyond grateful to katie b who has been a sounding board through a time where i should be more of her rock. i guess we're both leaning on each other......guess it's good we're both going in the same direction. all i will say for now is that i very much miss my friend........
that's all for now kids...........
~danban
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