dreading it

this weekend is vineman and surprisingly i am very much dreading the whole experience. part because of why i didn't get to go last year. part because i feel like i have NOT trained enough and let work get in the way. part because the arrangements for this weekend have been so scattered. and a big part cause i'm just plain scurred for no other reason than i haven't done this race or this distance ever. those of you who really know me know that none of the above equation will actually hinder me from doing the race and finishing the race. the problem is whether or not i'll enjoy any of the weekend especially the race. i feel completely unprepared for this race and my nutrition that goes into the race (not the race itself) and sleep for the race (cause i haven't been sleeping much lately) and prep for my transition areas (cause i don't really know wtf i'm supposed to put together and i have to know so i can pack it cause apparently there isn't much in the way of stores and supplies once we get there). these are the things that are popping up constantly in my brain mixed in with the shit ton of work i'm supposed to do before i go or during the trip. all that combined give me a feeling that i should just give my friggin race entry away!! stupid i know. i know i'm just frustrating myself and that everything will turn out just fine etc. etc. etc. just hard to see the trees through the forest sometimes ya know?!
On the brighter side, i am very much looking forward to spending some quality time with katie b and bri. it should prove to be a ridiculously interesting car ride up and back! and yes, do not despair because i am partially excited about my first half iron! it's a HUGE accomplishment and i couldn't have imagined i would've ever done something like this yet here i am! much thanks to my training partners: sandra, cynthia, jess f and her hubby donovan f, avery, chris p, and the ones who supported with love and patience (mostly katie b). i promise to cross that finish line. it'll happen and i'll probably be grinnin from ear to ear. so never fear, the danban will kick some ass even if it is her own! as for other topics, i've had some wonderful distractions the last couple days that have kept my brain from lingering on things i cannot change. not to say that i no longer mourn the loss of a dear friend. he is in my mind constantly. i just find that i can now also linger on more positive topics than the demise of his killer. i remember a wonderful world with him in it and as the lyrics bry pointed out, as long as Tim is in my heart he IS as real as me. so in part, he is here with us always and does continue to brighten this world which is definitely a heart warming piece of knowledge.

peace out for now,
~danban