sorry i'm not here at the moment, can i take a message?

crushed. empty. heart broken. numb. tired. need a drink. can't still be real. monsters don't have myspace! ........... just thoughts that keep running through my head. that's about all that fills this brain these days. there's just a void in my chest and i keep feeling like i need to run around an check that all friends and family are ok cause i feel like i'm losing someone. then i remember i LOST someone. someone who really really really really really isn't coming back. one year later and i expect to hear his laugh. the bbq wasn't the same without a drop in to clean up the left overs that no one else could eat. he was bigger than life and someone decided that meant he shouldn't be on this earth. it makes no sense to me and i am selfish cause i just want him back. i find that today i can barely function. there's not much i do that doesn't make me think think think think of him and how empty the world seems without him in it. and i'm more transparent than ever about it. yesterday i saw kelly and she knew pretty much right away that something was wrong. currently i have my head phones on which i never do so that i don't have to talk to my co-workers cause i don't want to burst into tears like the emotional wreck i've turned into these days. i feel terrible about it cause i really do love my co-workers and i've been very fortunate to be paired with two of the most awesome people in this office. i just don't want to talk to anyone today which is BAD cause i have to go to client site at 1pm. i want to go home and sleep through the rest of this day and possibly the week. i sit back and am amazed by how much of a wreck i've turned into. this isn't me. this isn't how i handle stuff. i keep it in and don't allow it to affect anything especially work. i have a shield i wear to protect others from my pain. but i can't help it this time. it's too overwhelming and i want to re-create the day i found out. slip from my chair onto the floor and curl up into a ball under my desk and bawl until there are no more tears. i'm pretty sure that's the wrong way to handle it though so i'm working to keep my head from thinking thinking thinking thinking. seeing his name etched into marble was like a sucker punch. i couldn't breathe. i didn't want to think that all 6'4 of my friend could be behind such a tiny little piece of marble. how can all the wonderfulness and love that he was could be in such a small space?! doesn't seem possible at all. i miss him more than imaginable. so, please leave me in my haze a little longer. i promise to return eventually. until then........please leave a message and i'll return your call shortly.

~danban