dazed and confused

there's a hole in my heart like one of the four that took the life of my dear friend. others may not notice on a daily basis but it's there and Tim's never far from my thoughts and love. he had so much love to give and gave it freely. he was one of the most generous souls you could ever hope to meet and i wish you all could have met him. he was truly unforgettable, larger than this world could hold, and gave bear hugs like no other ever has. i miss his smile, his laugh, his love, his sparkling eyes when he was up to mischievous things.......i just miss my friend.

i find i have an inability to interact with people today as i feel that they should be as impacted by today's loss as i am. i get frustrated that they don't understand what a loss i'm feeling and that they should feel. i know it's ridiculous but i just can't help feeling that others need to understand the pain i feel on this day. so, i hide behind my headphones and keep plugging away at work that seems tedious.

what i really want to do is go back to sleep and skip this day entirely though i know that won't take away the reality that two years ago today my friend was killed and is gone forever. i still half expect to see him pop his head over the fence at every bbq and clean up all the food yet uneaten. yet that food gets packed away as left overs and there is no Tim to drop by for a beer and bbq.

once again i'm lost in my own world of memories and emotion. tends to freak out everyone around me as i am typically their rock. today this rock crumbles with the knowledge that in an instant, life was taken from someone who deserved far better from this world than the end he met. i can't help but linger in memories of Tim as they're all we have left. yes, getting together and telling Tim stories helps build new memories with him but it's just not the same. it can't possibly be the same if he's not there to punctuate it with his laugh. and so i'll float though this day and tomorrow won't be quite as painful......

"Float"

Drank away the rest of the day,
Wonder what my liver would say,
Drink... That's all you can.

Blackened days With their bigger gales,
Blow in your parlor to discuss the day,
Listen... That's all you can.

Ah but don't, no don't sink the boat,
That you built, you built to keep afloat.
Ah no don't, no don't sink the boat,
That you built...

Sick and tired of what to say,
No one listens anyway,
Sing... That's all you can.

Rambling years of lousy luck,
Ya miss the smell of burning turf,
Dream... That's all you can.

Ah but don't, no don't sink the boat,
That you Built, you built to keep afloat,
Ah no don't, no don't sink the boat,
That you built... That you built to keep afloat.

Singled out for who you are,
Takes all types to judge a man,
Feel... That's all you can.

Filthy suits with bigger ears,
Hide behind their their own worst fears,
Live... That's all you can.

It's all you can.
It's all you can... do.

No matter where I put my head,
I wake up feeling sound again,
Breath... It's all you can.

Tomorrow smells of less decay,
The flowers create this blooming fray,
Be thankful... That's all you can.

Ah but don't, don't sink the boat,
That you Built, you built to keep afloat.


i'll leave work early today and go visit Tim on my own terms. feel that cold marble that holds all that remains of my friend. get all puffy faced from crying even though i'm sure that's not what Tim would want. it just feels impossible to celebrate the life of someone you miss so terribly. i may seem partially absent today as i did last year but please be patient with me and let me reflect on the short time i did have with my friend.


hold all that you love dear to you and let everyone you love know it on a regular basis as you'll never know when your last embrace, conversation, smile shared will be.

much love and sorrow
~danban