making sense of it

all around me are familiar faces
worn out places
worn out faces
bright and early for their daily races
going nowhere
going nowhere

it's the year's end and inspiration for reflection is all around. how do we make sense of the chaos of daily life? how do we find purpose in the small things, humor in the most unlikely of places, and the determination to make it through days doing chores that in the end really only result in a thought....an idea....just more data.... we forge through to find the "dream". we're searching for happiness but where have others found it? is it in your dreams? is it behind the couch? is it yet another idea or ideal held close to the heart?

we look for solace in relationships with others and through that within ourselves. but what happens when that person is no longer there? what happens when the shoulder you turned to is no where to be found? we're amazing creatures who change and adapt with our surroundings yet never seem to forget or forgive the past no matter how much we want to. so the question is, can you accept what has been and use it to create better things in the future? is that the dream or just a way to survive the passing days?

such questions and thoughts swirl through my brain and i answer some and leave others to ponder for another day. in the end, i know i choose to live life to the fullest i see fit and what works for me may not work for you. i hope that those who i love know it even if i don't say the words often enough. those who are no longer with me are always in my thoughts and the impact they've left will not be forgotten. this time of year is about love and hope......keep those things in your heart the whole year through and the days are more than bearable.....they're actually enjoyable.

~danban

my first official crash.....kind of.....

sunday i talked ryan into riding sleeping indian with myself, cynthia, coach bri, and melanie. this hill is one of two that have kicked my ass. this time i intended to bite back........little did i know i was in for an ass whoopin again! we start out from cindy's and it's too foggy to tackle the hill right away so we hit up the bike path and i blast away attempting to get my legs warm in the freezing ass morning air. i didn't actually realize i was going that fast until there was no one behind me and i figured i should tone it down a notch since my legs weren't actually warming up. i spun my way back down the bike path toward where we turned to get onto the route to sleeping indian and slowed my pace to re-group with the crew. at this point, my legs are warm but telling me that they are tired and that this may be a little more difficult of a ride than i thought.......ut oh!!

we head up sleeping indian and it begins......calf cramps.....oh goody!! so i make it up 3/4 of the first hill and have to stop cause i'm in serious pain. massaged the legs out for a moment and muscle on! up the hill i go again except i'm almost to the top when my front wheel hits the side of the curb, my right foot is unclipped, and i'm falling to the left......SHIT!! i somehow manage to maneuver myself up and around and over my bike so as not to actually land on it and end up banging the shit out of my legs (lots of insta bruises) and ripping the hell out of my tricep with my chain ring (no, a group of 4 scientists with a month couldn't figure out how the hell i managed all that)!!
i sprung up immedately since i didn't want to get hit by any car charging up the hill and struggle my way down to the driveway i'd left not too terribly long ago. first things first, i check my bike for any visible injuries........nothing springs to the eye so onto step two. check the wheels - are they spinning? NO! shit!! have to re-adjust the front and rear breaks and check the whells again - still problems! SHIT!! fuck it......get going up the hill again and make it to the very top (no, i'm not terribly bright apparently). i make it to the top and ryan's sitting on a rock waiting for my injured ass to tell him wtf i'd done and if we needed to call sag (cindy's husband).

ryan and i proceed to fix the front and back breaks and attempt to go on with the ride. two seconds after we start out again, i realize something is seriously wrong and rubbing on my front wheel. we climb back off the bikes and find that the front wheel is rubbing on the fork - BIG problem!! we re-adjust that and the front breaks yet again and my seat (cause it was seriously jacked up) and attempt to ride again. at this point my full borne stubbornness kicks in and i decide we're doing most of this fuckin ride cause i didn't go through the trouble of having my bike kick my ass and NOT get in a ride!! (sorry ryan!!) we hit some nice big rollers and i lost ryan a few times when his legs refused to go much further and eventually we turned around at mission and headed back. we got back to cindy's and i played ball with fletcher a bit before we headed out to get some food and laugh over the idiocy of the morning.

so, first official crash kind of........i mean it was more comical than most and less terrifying than a lot so i figure i got out pretty well unscathed all things considered!! i was mostly just bummed that i'd fucked with my bike and that i didn't actually get to ride with coach brian at all during the course of the morning. the good news is Eneko is fine with some new bartape and that i'm pretty well unscathed all things considered :0)

~danban

total insanity.....count me in

this weekend was ironman arizona and i had several friends (including my coach) racing in it. katie b, myself, ryan, and jo all trekked out to tempe to watch and for some of us, consider what our own experience of an ironman might be like.......

to start, the four of us adamently agreed that arizona will not be in the cards for any of us anytime ever! the reason being that we went out to preview the loop and were bored out of our sculls!! i even spaced out for a bit, ended up slowing to a retarded gonna fall off my bike speed, and almost lost the crew on a straight flat road! it was VERY difficult to make ourselves keep going the 25 out and 25 back as we were just over it! and just to make matters a tiny bit worse, it was rediculiously dry out there!! long story short, we all agreed should anyone stupidly decide it is a good idea to sign up, the others of the group get to punch that person silly!!

the swim started in the water and was a thing not to be missed. 2400 people all treading water then BAM gun goes off and they all begin swimming like a gigantic sea creature with 4800 arms and legs! this start (affectionately called the washing machine by most triathletes) is not something i'm looking forward to. there are two philosophies of this type of start and how best to deal with it......1. get to the front of the pack and sprint then keep a steady (speedy) pace to stay ahead of most of the pack and 2. start toward the back and eventually make your way to the middle/front of the pack. i am all about #2 as i do not want to get crawled on top of by hundreds of stronger swimmers! there's no need to put myself through that. regardless, the swim start was amazing to see and inspired some serious thought.

i felt for the competitors as they were looping and looping through the bike course as i knew what a long boring course they had ahead of them. it was interesting to see the degredation of attitudes of those racing as they rounded for the second loop vs the third loop. i attempted to put myself in their shoes and continued to think of denner's blog about his ironman and came to the realization that a lot of them fell into the classic blunder of playing to the crowd and/or their own egos in that they kept pumping out some serious speed when the crowd was near. you could tell those who pushed too hard vs those who were taking their pace and settling into it. i think mentally, it would have been difficult to have done the three loops as you could see some people's spirit fall a bit when so many were going into t2 while they were going out for loop 3.

the run was a show of pure will and determination. i don't recall seeing very many people smile, in good spirits, or showing much emotion past pain. for the most part, the competitors were focused on the task at hand (keep moving one foot in front of the other) and didn't really pause to pay attention to anyone or anything outside of their own two feet. we cheered for almost everyone and got a couple of thank yous and a lot gratification for the fact that someone unknown to them believed that they really could do it. i know know how much more i need to focus on my running and ensure that i will be ready for this last and mos difficult battle in the quest to hear the announcer say "danban, you ARE an Ironman!"

talked to coach after he finished (a rockstar finish of just over 10 hours) and he asked if i have the ironman fever. i thought about it for a sec and told him that i'm considering 2010 and that i know i want to build my base, speed, and tolerance for the next year before committing to something so monstrous. he thought that was a phenomenal idea! so 2010...... maybe new zealand..... we shall see.........!!

~danban

what kind of friend?

this one was too good not to pass on to all of you.......my friends :0)

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself and doesn't feel even the least bit weird shutting your 'beer/Pepsi drawer' with her foot!



A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend shoulder is soggy from your tears..



A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.



A simple fri end brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.



A simple friend hates it when you call after they've gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.



A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.



A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it!

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend calls you after you had a fight.



A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!




It keeps us together, like our Circle of Friends.
Today I pass this on to you.. Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you..




When you are down to nothing ....
God is up to something.

'Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is
falling in love with your smile.'

~danban

ramping up

well, i've been slacking on the training as of late. of course i have plenty of excuses.....sarah was in town, i've been sick, attempting to find a new roommie, etc. ..... but it's time that i'm pulling myself out of excuse land and into training world once again. so yesterday was my day off, tonight is weights, tomorrow is at least an hour on the bike, and the schedule just gets better from there! i'm actually excited to be getting back into training and this week is the perfect week to do it cause IM AZ is this weekend and a crew of us are going to cheer some friends on during this amazing adventure!!
yesterday i sent off my $$ to my nutritionist and i'm excited to see what she's got planned for me! my friends cindy and marty have used this person and highly recommend her services and the benefits they have seen from working with her. i know to get faster, one of the things i need to focus on is slimming down and gaining leaner muscle mass. i also know i'm ready to slim down again as i've added some off season pounds that i am NOT happy about.regardless.......training is back on with a vengeance and you are more than welcome to join should you have the incliation. just let me know!!

~danban

29th b-day shenanigans

note: this is only a recap because the full story would take FAR too long to actually write out :0)

it all started on thurs with a girls night at cindy's. the crew included: me, sarah, cindy, melissa, lj, michele b, iris, sarah b, kim, and ali. we all chipped in on the potluck dinner and many a drink were made from bloody mary to a modified mimosa called "the iris". i got a few kick ass gifts and many memories from this crew on this particular night. to say the least, we danced in the living room and hit up the hot tub before turning in for the night. brian and fletcher were the lucky men of the night as they were the only males amongst the crew!

friday night consisted of sarah and i trekking up to visit katie shoe in seal beach. we got there somewhere around 9ish and chilled at her and jb's pad for a bottle o beer before heading out on the town. we cruised to a wine bar first where we promptly were told that they were at last call. we downed a bottle between the four of us and cruised onto a bar that had only local microbrews. we were again told that they were at last call so we quickly ordered beers and enjoyed the general malarchy of the crew there.we made an interesting friend we'll just call "the hippy" and decided to move on again. at this point we were convinced that every place we hit we were going to hit last call!! the last place we hit up had such a diverse mix of people that we didn't feel bad seriously standing out by creating a dance floor in our area of the bar!! we danced to journey, pussy cat dolls, and just about everything else. eventually the hippy joined us and we proceeded to attempt to get away from him for the rest of the night which didn't work AT ALL. he followed us back to the apt (again after last call) and sarah and i prompty hid in katie shoe's closet where we proceeded to try on all her shoes til she brought us a bottle of wine and jb kicked the hippy out!! we watched horrible tv and fell asleep soon after the hippy left.

saturday morning we lazed around and eventually headed to brunch (without jb who slept til at least noon). we had a few mimosas and decided to stick around for a round of the most alcoholic margaritas in california!! we hit up the beach and eventually headed back to sd after many hugs with katie shoe and jb. we hit my place and had to shower and leave asap cause we'd lingered in seal beach too long. we head to tango to see paula and have a glass or two of vino before dick's. we ran into matty and crew, diane and jess, keoni and myrachel, and bg. after paying up, we headed to dick's to meet up with the crew for the night. of course, there were not as many show as had promised and we ended up with 22ish total with only 16 chairs so we ghettofied dick's by adding random chairs to the end of the table. lots of food, drinks, a blow job shot, papers being thrown, paper hats for bg and ry, and laughs later we headed out to the local to get our dance on. we lost a few and gained one on the wayto the local (those who wanted to go home and sleep......boooo to you!). we danced til the club closed and had some serious fun!! we said our goodbyes and ended the night with lots o jokes and laughs. we walked back to marty's car in the rain and headed up to my place for a final glass of vino and some good chats. finally at 4:30 in the morning......like a true rockstar......i hit the pillow and slept!

sunday was a true day of laziness and we watched like 1400 hours of movies with matty and barely moved off the couch in true recovery mode. no alcohol hit our lips that day and we begain to feel a bit ill (stupid sinus infection). it was nice to not have any major priorities and be able to sit in pj pants for the entirety of the day. we did hit up panera eventually and i hit the hay around midnight (don't worry - i napped throughout the day too).

monday i had to go teach a class in aliso viejo and my phone blew off the hook the entire day. my class even begged for me to answer when my mom called so they could hear her sing happy b-day!! birthday night we hit up tomiko for dinner but not before sarah and i enjoyed a bottle of vino from Oliver (sniiiiiifffffff). chris, paula, diane, jess, two of chris's friends, ryan, brian, sarah, and the filpi's made up the crew for dinner and i couldn't have asked for more!! it was a great night filled with sake, martinis, and my signature guinness! nancy picked up our appetizers and my guinness and posed for a pic with me. ryan and bri came back to the apt with sarah and i and we forced them to watch arrested d (which we quoted every line!!)!! i ended up practically passing out in my chair (from exhaustion not alcoholism) and went to sleep again around 12. talk about a stellar b-day!!

tues sarah and i headed to la jolla to see the cove and shores then up to las olas for dinner. it was another nice and relaxing evening and was fun to hang with matty when we got back. again, i almost passed out in the papazan (exhaustion again) and was really beginning to feel the ill coming on.

wed iris insisted that we go out for our own sushi dinner at her fav place in rancho bernardo (or one of the bernardos) and asked ry and bri to join. we hit up the sushi joint (after perusing a sporting good store) and had some very interesting pieces of sushi!! sarah got called a teenager and a falling chopstick (chopstick fall down and go boom!), she was treated to the kid's version of chopsticks, and we all had sake laughed our butts off! we played worst case scenario game back at iris's and had a fabulous night!

all in all, GREAT b-day people :0)
LOVE YOU ALL!!!!
~danban

who holds your past?

last night my best friend, sarah, came into town from her new home-town of Chicago and i couldn't have been happier! we sat and chatted about times of craziness and hilarity in our past. the memories of the past reminded me of this past trip to Indiana when i was sitting on lisa and avery's roof hanging with some of my old college crew. it made me think of kind of an odd thought which is that these people ...... these wonderful people ..... hold pieces of my past and who i was on the road to becoming who i am today. and it's just as true that i hold pieces of their history that lead to the amazing people they are today. in essentials, we're unchanged yet our experiences since those times have transformed the way we live our every day lives. i am forever greatful that these people were in my life and blessed that they still are enriching my life on an ongoing basis. there aren't thanks enough for these sacred few who know so much about who i was, who i am, and dreams of who i will become.

at the same time i cannot keep from my thoughts those who are currently helping to build more memories of outrageous times and adventures. these people are also helping me to build who i am becoming and by spending time with these people, i am in turn impacting their lives in ways that i sometimes don't even begin to comprehend. for those who put up with me on an ongoing basis currently, i am amazed by your patience, humor, strength, determination, and motivation to continue to push forward with your dreams and goals with such zeal! you are the people who inspire me to want to enrich my own life just that much more!!

anyway, random thoughts floating around in my brain since sarah's arrival and just thought they needed to be jotted down. a HUGE thanks to all of you out there who are my friends and who bless my existance by just being you :0)

much love,
~danban