reflections

it's hard to know how to describe 2010.....it was a year of beginnings and endings and I'd describe it all as bittersweet........

words cannot describe how lucky i feel to have an amazingly loving, supportive, and handsome man in my life. we were able to celebrate our 1st year together in october in paso. life is so simple, sweet, fulfilling, and adventurous these days. i feel truly blessed to be so happily situated in my 31st year :) i'm excited for the trips and adventures we have planned in the upcoming year and for what the future in general holds for us.

obviously, there were some events this year that kept it rocky though not entirely horrific. there are memories that we wish could fade faster than they will and memories we'll wish we could have that will now never happen. for that our lives will forever be altered though we'll continue to live our lives as though we're still being provided a little guidance along the way.

the message that speaks to me most this time of year is surprisingly my own from two years ago. with a little adaptation, it still passes for life and my thoughts today.

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it's the year's end and inspiration for reflection is all around. how do we make sense of the chaos of daily life? how do we find purpose in the small things, humor in the most unlikely of places, and the determination to make it through daily living without complete collapse or insanity?

we look for solace in relationships with others and through that within ourselves. but what happens when that person is no longer there? what happens when the shoulder you turned to is no where to be found? we're amazing creatures who change and adapt with our surroundings yet never seem to be able to get past what could have been or what massive undertakings are upcoming. so the question is, can you accept what has been and use it to create better things in the future? is that the dream or just a way to survive the passing days?

such questions and thoughts swirl through my brain and i answer some and leave others to ponder for another day. in the end, i know i choose to live life to the fullest i see fit and what works for me may not work for you. i hope that those who i love know it even if i don't say the words often enough. those who are no longer with me are always in my thoughts and the impact they've left will not be forgotten. this time of year is about love and hope......keep those things in your heart the whole year through and the days are more than bearable.....they're actually enjoyable.

A little message for the year's end from Ryan........

Dear 2010: Your services are no longer required and we respectfully ask that you vacate the premises by the end of the day. Do not expect references. Thanks.

~danban

no right way to go

have you ever been in a situation where you know that no matter what you do, you'll most likely be completely wrong?! it feels a little out of control and you attempt to help the situation by suggesting a plan of action only to silence the whole room? the crazy thing is that there is no right or wrong answer and the situation itself is just messed up but it feels like something needs to be done though there's nothing left to do or say. silence isn't quite right so of course the next plan of action has to be made but for every plan there are thousands of consequences most of which aren't obvious or clear. feeling lost like this is just frustrating and exhausting.

talking to others not in the situation is hard too cause it seems at this point they're tired of hearing it so there's no one to call. the one person to call is out of the country so continuing on aimlessly is about all that can be done. it's very disheartening to be in this position and i want so badly to make it better but know i can't. best i can do is just point my head to the heavens and scream in frustration, put my head back down, clear it the best i can, and move on to the next day.

i know that this too shall pass and that 2011 will be easier and better than 2010. just hard to move past this feeling with no relief in sight just yet. i'm continuing to look forward to Tahoe, Bloomington, Vegas, and wherever else this new year will take me knowing that the memories and experiences that i have will continue to lift my spirits and prove that in 2011 life is getting better.

cheers,

danban

a little perspective

Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers..

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him..

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.


He then asked the students if the jar was full.


They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly.


The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.


He then asked the students again if the jar was full.


They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.


Of course, the sand filled up everything else.


He asked once more if the jar was full.


The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.


The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.


'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.


The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you..

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.


Spend time with your children.


Spend time with your parents.


Visit with grandparents..


Take time to get medical checkups.


Take your spouse out to dinner.


There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.


Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.


Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.


One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.


The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

weekend update by the danban

it was a really good weekend i must admit! it started with gail and i taking a look at a place we may move to which turned out to be WAY too small and awkwardly built for us to be comfortable in. so we headed to tuscany for a glass of wine and to take a look at some properties she found online. i'm bitter sweet about moving. i'd prefer not as i'm comfortable (mostly) and the current house is kick arse. though it would be nice to get away from the other roommate and be able to expand into more of the house. as it is, i sometimes feel like a guest in my own home. if we do stay, that'll change or i'll find my own place. so, after a glass or two.....ok two glasses of wine we headed home and i swiftly headed off to see jodi and ryan at rock bottom in lj. a few beers and some hilarious conversation later we headed out. it was a relaxing evening and i'm glad for it!

saturday we ended up sleeping in a bit later than expected so decided to postpone the ride for sunday. we took boone and jax to the beach instead and jax had a great time!! boone still isn't so sure about the crowds, the other dogs, the water, basically the whole experience though he did seem to have a better time than last. jax had a great time in the water, chasing the other dogs, and running around in the sand! i think next weekend we're hitting the beach with all three dogs and ryan's parents!!

we headed out and back to my place to clean up for date night which turned out to be dinner at baracuda then wine and a movie at the house. the place was cool and the food was good. i liked the atmosphere even though it didn't seem to fit with downtown encinitas! would definitely recommend it for seafood and exotic foods.

went for our ride on sunday and it turned out ok i think. my legs felt better than i thought they would and it didn't hurt as much as i thought it might. i only got good and pissed off toward the end when the wind was ferocious and never ending. my legs were getting tired and i was getting hungry. definitely need to get better on the nutrition front for longer rides! training went well last week and i'm getting excited about the workouts which is a good turn of events and makes me smile!

we had dinner/wine with greg last night before he headed out for Hawaii. it's always good to catch up with him when he's in town and he's missed when he's out for work. it was another relaxing night last night and i'm not pumped to be at work but weekends like this past one makes the weeks more bearable!

so no, nothing ridiculously exciting but overall it was a good weekend! yes, i will be posting more and no it may not be exciting but feel free to read anyway :)
~danban

coming clean and looking forward

this is a confession of sorts so bear with me.....i've been a slacker over the last month. that's not to say that i haven't kept busy or that i haven't done anything with my time. i haven't been keeping to my training plan. i have been training (not nearly as much as i should) and i've been a bit chicken about telling my wonderful coach about where i'm slipping. i am spinning, i am running, i'm barely swimming, and i'm hitting the weight room. the weight is finally starting to slip off and i'm starting to find my legs again but a bit too late. next month, Santa Cruz is going to be painful. i'm aware of the fact that i won't be running the whole race. it saddens me and frustrates me that i couldn't motivate myself to do this for myself. yes, i will get a sub 2 hr half marathon but no this won't be it. i'm not delusional in thinking that i could still possibly pull this off.....i know it's not possible now.

i know that my coach will read this and that he and i need to talk about where my training is and where it's going. i do still want to hit my 6:15ish goal for vineman and that means that the communication has got to improve on my part. i have got to shift priorities and make this one of my top priorities. and it's not just that i've got to but that i want to.

i have a theory on why i've done what i've done ...... or not done. since my back became a huge pain i was slipping on the motivation. since the back issues i've slipped further to the point that i'm embarassed that i can no longer compete where i was. i know it's irrational to hold myself to those standards considering i had problems even sitting for more than 5 minutes in november. i get out and run or bike and just get frustrated with myself. occasionally i've used my injury to talk myself out of going past the limitations i'm setting for myself because of my fear of not reaching my goal. and the goals are just benchmarks to reach and i know that not hitting them or possibly exceeding them in the end won't do any lasting damage or have any huge impact other than understanding my footing in the triathlon world.

again, i know i'm being harder on myself than i should and i do occasionally have good days that look like they used to before any of this. i know that i needed to have cut myself some slack and realize that i was just starting over. well, that time has past and now i've got to just continue to follow the plan as best i can even if i'm slower than either myself or my coach would like.

this week i've seen a shift and it's about time that it happened. i've already gotten in workouts every day this week and am excited/scared for the ride on saturday. i know i have a lot of work and hard work to do to hit my time goal for vineman. we'll call it vindication for last year and for santa cruz and a great launching point for New Zealand which is still on the radar for 2011. i know that if i don't get over my fears of being slow, of not reaching potential, of looking like an idiot (which everyone in spandex does) then i'm lost to New Zealand. in the words of james, it's time to nut up or shut up.

i've been disappointed in myself over the last month and want so badly for that to shift back to what it was when this whole journey began. i want to find the fun in this sport again and not just beat myself up for hitting unrealistic expectations i've placed on myself. i'm ready to set out on a new adventure with triahtlon and have a patient partner by my side. it's time for this girl to really start hitting the road again even if it is a bit slower than i'd like. i know i've made declarations like this before and haven't made them realities. i have a real desire to get to New Zealand and race it well. i guess only time will really tell if i can pull this off this time. i am determined and that's the best i can be.

i'll see you on the road!
~danban

i couldn't make this up if i'd tried.....

it starts out as a pretty uneventful thursday and i'm on a call with a client when my roommate calls. obviously, i let it go to voicemail as to not interrupt the training i'm finishing up. i'm curious though cause she almost never calls during the day so i figure it's gonna be somewhat important. i listen to the voicemail and she says that there's been an "emergency" at the house and to call her before i head home. now i'm intrigued! a few minutes later i get a text from her with the message to "call me asap" so now i'm seriously curious what's going on at home that's so urgent!

i finish up the training and have all kinds of theories running around in my head as to what could've happened: we were robbed and my bike was stolen, pipes burst and the house was flooded, fire/smoke damage, she and the other roommate had a fist fight......etc. i call my roommate back and find out what the house "emergency" is and couldn't believe my ears as it was no where near one of my theories! she was rearranging her room and heard a thumping noise coming from our entry so she went out to investigate. she found a hawk had gotten in through the open front door and was trying to get out though was just hitting closed windows!!

the hawk had gotten in around 3 and at the time i called her back it was 6:30 which meant that everyone she could attempt to contact either was closed or didn't handle that kind of animal extraction from a residence. it seemed as though we were stuck with a hawk in our house over night! the best advice given was to shut of all the light in the house, leave both back and front doors open, and hope that it eventually figured it's way out of the house based off outside light. well the problem with that theory is that there's a huge window above the front door so the hawk could see out and see the street due to the street lamp across from our house so it couldn't figure out how to get out.

when i got home around 7, i snuck my way into the house through the laundry room which was kind of eery due to all the lights in the house being off and i had no clue where the bird was. we holed up in my roommate's room and had some sandwiches i picked up on my way home and checked every half hour to see if he'd figured out how to leave....no such luck. ryan wasn't terribly helpful as his suggestion was to feed the hawk either the cat or the dog by getting either to run through the open front door. his dad's suggestion - poke it with a stick! seeing as neither were good options, we called one last person in hopes he could help and with luck he could! well, luck and $125.

we decided to grab our flashlights and make our way outside to meet him when he got closer to the house (about an hour and a half after he agreed to come and help us out). i got two flashlights out of my room and left my door open not thinking anything of it. we went downstairs and i flashed the light up a bit to where the hawk was to see what he looked like. he got freaked out by the light and started skwaking and flying around so we screamed and bolted out the door and waited for our help to arrive.

help arrives and we all enter the house with flashlights lit attempting to locate the hawk who now could not be found. we figured we'd just hit a run of good luck when i realized that i'd left my door open to my bedroom and a light on.....damn! we head upstairs and sure enough, there was our new friend perched upon my bed!! the guys shut the door and we heard some banging around and eventually they head out with the hawk under a blanket. i didn't see any damage or birdy presents anywhere and was relieved! we let the hawk go, paid our hawk removal men, and shut our doors so we wouldn't have any other wildlife attempt to sleep with us that night.

i surveyed my room again as i was getting ready for bed and still didn't see any damage to the room! i figured i'd gotten away lucky and was about to settle into bed when i saw it......the hawk had left a present on my pillows!! unhappily i went to clean the pillows so that the hawk leftovers didn't stain or ruin them. all in all, i suppose we did get away pretty luckily and the hawk most likely won't return after his traumatic experience.

i have to reflect back though and laugh on the whole situation as it is pretty ridiculous! i've never heard of anyone having this problem before and don't know how we were so lucky to have had such a friend in our home for a few hours. one thing is for sure, we learned our lesson about keeping doors without screens shut :)

~danban

what's behind and what's ahead

i am not sorry to say that i am not sad that the past decade is done. it had it's difficult moments and it had it's wonderful moments. i'm hopeful that this next decade will bring more wonderful than difficult as i know myself and my family could use a bit of a break! no, i'm not going to do a review here as most of it is common knowledge to those who know me well. i would like to give a few shout outs though to those who have made a big impact over the last 10 years :)

to katie, my simmones, and the avery: i love you three and am blessed to have had such fulfilling and long lasting friendships with you! i am confident that the next ten years will bring more adventures, laughs, ridiculous moments, and more frequent vacations together! you've always been there when i needed someone to help keep me grounded, bring tough situations into perspective, or just make me laugh! i'm excited for what our futures hold together and as individuals. love you..... mean it!
to kate: you've meant more to myself and my family than i think you realize! you have been a rock for myself and bry and a sounding board to both i'm sure. you've always been a shoulder to lean on when things have gotten to their worst. some of my best memories are with you in them and you always find a way to make me smile or laugh. you really are my sister and an important part of my family. i love you and hopefully you know how much!









now onto a new decade and new adventures! so far the year is starting out on a positive note with a new set of tri goals, a wonderful group of friends, a very patient boyfriend, and an ironman to finish! and i'm excited for what the next ten years will hold and know that no matter what, i have amazing friends and family who will be with me every bump, step, and smile along the way :0)





much love and many hugs,
~danban