invisibility - curse or blessing?

oh where oh where to begin? how about an overview of the weekend? friday i was here at work WAY too late and ended up going to a happy hr with co-workers and the boss which was a nice change of pace cause we haven't done that in a LONG time. it was good to just not have to think about training or think about other life concerns cause i was just enjoying my time. it had been a stressful week at work and traci and i needed to blow off some steam.

saturday morning rolls around way too quickly and i have to get up at 5:45 am to get to our scheduled workout for the day. the funny/bizarre thing is that i had a dream about this workout the night before and how i missed it because i had t as a priority instead of training and ended up goofing off instead of riding with the team and then showed for the run and everyone was pissed! so, that left me restless and i woke up a few times throughout the night. thus quarter of six was way too early and i felt less than rested. i throw my stuff in the car and start munching on my wheat tortilla and crunchy barney butter for breakfast. had to make a call to cynthia cause i'd given her less than accurate directions the day before. i hit the 67 off poway at 6:15 and there is a ridiculously thick fog that's reduced visibility so we won't be starting on time this morning. oh btw, the plan this day is to do iron mtn twice. that's right - pure insanity and we're going to do it twice. no clue why just know we have to. we get our stuff together and ready to ride and go hang with the team while gurujan is in full throttle of his stories and his speeches and everything that makes him Coach. a round of introductions is made (cindy hasn't met most of these yahoo's) and we finally head out around 8:30.

my plan, get my legs pumping with a high cadence and a slow speed and keep 'em movin this way as long as i can sustain it cause the mtn will suck every reserve of energy out of 'em asap. the actuality wasn't terribly different surprisingly! i ride out toward highland valley road and just let the legs pump as much as they want or can. it wasn't a bad start to the day but i still stopped at the turn around and stretched a tiny bit to wait for cindy and see who else would catch up. we headed back out and went toward lakeside and didn't stop til we hit the circle k. for the most part it was myself, cindy, and jen at this leg of the ride. it was nice to just be cruisin with the two of them and we were technically helping out the team cause we had one of them riding with us (even though she was seriously pushin to stay with us). we re-fueled and re-hydrated at the circle K and decided to tackle the hardest part of the ride. i hit the mtn like i hit it when i was riding from t's. i decided to just spin as much as possible and get a good cadence for at least the beginning of the hill and see how much the momentum could carry me up. and it carried me at least half way then i worked the other half of the hill. with some water on my head, a salt tab in my mouth, and a lot of determination i made it up the hill without much of a problem and without extraneous effort. now comes the part of the ride i actually dread (at this statement most people give me a perplexed look). i loathe the ride from the top of the hill back to poway road. the problem is that i've made it to the top of the hill, i want to get off my bike and start jumping up and down cheering for myself, climb into my car and leave. i want to have my rockey balboa moment at the top of the stairs and be done with my day! i do not in the least want to deal with the other ascents that are in my not too distant future to trek back to my car. i want to BE at my car. grrrrrrrrr!! cindy and i cruise back to poway rd and meet up with the rest of the crew. the tnt'ers have gone up to their run (those that were ahead of us) and the rest are still attempting to make it back.
we decide (well, more like katie b' declares) that we're going to do the second loop. off we go again toward highland valley and i swear swear swear that something was off with my bike. i mean i felt like i was dragging a dead body that had soaked up a lake full of water behind me on my bike. even the downhills were a challenge!! but trudge on i do and we go through the first part of the course which is an out and back to highland valley and then tim and cindy decide they are done. i stop and chat with cindy and greg for a bit before heading out on the last and most difficult part of this journey. i wasn't pumped about going out there by myself but it wasn't all that bad doing it by myself considering i've ridden this course alone before. i get to the top of the hill to head down and who do i see? wonderful, cheerful, loving TINA!! she drives down the hill and snaps a shot of me before meeting me at the circle k. she's come to deliver ice :0) talk about a life saver!! i have never needed or wanted ice more than i needed it then and there she was with plenty of it! it was great to see her and she even volunteered to meet me at the top of the hill so i'd have something "pulling" me up the hill. i said thanks but i'd make it and praised her for her selfishlessness to come and cheer me on!! (yes, i'm aware that's not really a word but it works :P)

i hit the hill and good holy heavens it is HOT out there. i mean like 20 degrees hotter than the first climb of the hill. this climb takes longer than the first i'm sure yet while climbing tim comes a drivin down the hill honkin then turns around and meets me at the top with more water! i seriously love these people :0) we chat for a few minutes so i can cool my basal body temp to get goin again. the temptation to hitch a ride back is there but i am going to finish this ride cause that's the kind of stubborn ass i am!! at this point, my legs are exhausted but i make them trudge through the last of the slow climbs towards poway. there at the end is katie b cheering me in so we can go get food. the insanity of it all is that i'm thinking that it's time for me to now run my 40 mins! katie b says no cause she's too hungry so i get a small reprieve til sunday!

we hit up some burgers and katie b and i get some grumbles of how we're insane for a double iron mtn ride but that just makes the burgers all the more worth it. i head home to put stuff together for rest of my weekend (post shower of course) and head down to pt. loma. katie b and i jump in her car and travel toward mira mesa to a bbq/b-day/pool party thing of some of the tri club people. enter the invisibility mode.

have you ever just moved through a crowd and been uttterly and completely ignored? like you weren't even there or you're there but you're too lowely or not worth it to even bother with an effort of saying hello? well, i've been there but not for a while. interestingly, i'm there again almost instantly at this bbq. i ran into jess and kevin was there but besides katie b i know no one else. there are points in conversation i try to jump in but i was completely ignored by some!! talk about a-hole like behavior!! i mean i literally said something four times to this dude i was just introduced to and nada....not glance....not a pretence that he knows i'm alive any longer....zip....zero....thanks for playin. now of course this makes me feel like a diseased leper and want to leave immediately but stayed so katie b can socialize and i can rest for a few while there's still a chance. so, i'm pondering what makes a group of seemingly normal-ish people decide to ostracize a realtively normal looking person based off of no experience of that person what-so-ever? why would you be so cruel? what dynamic of the group dictates that outsiders must be tallantless, boring, wastes of time? is it me? is it them? how did i dissappear?

eventually, katie b gets hungry and we leave for whole foods and katie b's apartment. at this point we feel terrible that a. there aren't many people at the tnt fundraiser (which b.gunn is getting auctioned off) and b. that we're not there to support b.gunn. exhaustion wins out on this round and we head off to katie b's instead of downtown. we finish the night with a phenomenal movie (fracture) and pass out around 11. well, i'd like to say we passed out. instead the venetian blinds kept fluttering and making noise, creepy roommie came in and was making noise, it was warm in the apartmen, and i was still kind of riled up from the long arse ride so i tossed and turned all night. thus when 5:30 AM rolls around and i'm told that we gotta get up and get movin to make it to the IB sprint, i am less than thrilled. yet up and going we get, and we make it for the start of the race. we run into tons of people we know and give the mandatory "good luck out there" speeches as we prepare for our spectating. and i must say we spectated the hell out of that race!! i mean i screamed for everyone possible and it was rewarding when they looked up and smiled as if to say "thanks, i needed that". the most amazing thing to me is that at the finish line, there was almost NO ONE else that was cheering these people into victory! i mean c'mon now people. show some frekkin heart! these brave people trained their butts off, got up before the arse crack of dawn, and raced their hearts out and the least we can do is clap!! so cheer i did for every person i could. of course for those i know and love, i yelled my brains out and attempted to add a little sarcasm :0)

post race, it was great to talk to everyone. hugs all around and it was great to hear you out there given by a few. i was more pleased that i got to see people i hadn't seen in far far far too long. i've missed denden and his insanity. i've missed pj and his ridiculiousness. i've missed carrie and her quietly sarcastic manner. i've missed these people and all the wonderful memories of times we've shared come to mind as i see them. most of us are heading over to jim's so katie b and i head to the car and meander over to jim's. we are greeted with huge hugs from jim and hellos from all those who were already hanging out. once again, the wallflower syndrome came into effect. i was sitting outside attempting to join conversations and yet getting talked over or generally ignored. i'm still not sure if this is something that i was bringing on myself or if it was just that i'm too soft spoken but at this point it was getting annoying. not sure if i was more annoyed with myself or with those who weren't hearing me. i hate feeling that i'm not worth hearing or that i'm just an afterthought. anyway, i decided once again to shut my trap cause that's the easiest way to deal and i just played a bit with jon's daughter (who happens to be the cutest little girl ever!).

around quarter til noon, katie b and i head to the cove for our swim. i'm anticipating it yet dreading it. my stomach is in knots and i feel nauseous. i'm thinking that i should have listened to katie b and her 3 hour rule and that i must be pushing it. sandra is supposed to meet us but she and kevin and tim all bail so it's me and katie b against a washing machine. the water was terribly choppy and it was seriously overcast. not a good sign for my first jaunt back into the cove!! the amazing bit is that i felt better about my swim and more calm than i had my previous visits to the cove! (thanks luke :0) i mean my strokes on the way back may have been useless since most were directly into a wave or way above a wave but they felt awkward as hell (that's the point right luke?!) and i felt like i was using way less effort! the water may have been attempting to work against me, but i was finding a way to work with and through it. amazing stuff people, amazing stuff!!

we head out on our run and i can tell right off the bat that my legs are fatigued. you know that feeling where they already feel as sore as the day after a big workout yet you're just starting a workout? yeah that one. it was the most frustrating thing cause katie b was running in zone 1 and i felt like she was still kickin my ass. well, in all actuality it was me kickin my own ass since i'm the one that exhausted my legs then expected them to perform as if i'd done nothing as far as workouts go this weekend. oops! ok ok ok lesson learned legs :0)

we head back to katie b's and i fully intend on going home and straight to sleep in true katie b style. then i start my big brain a burnin and realize that i'm close to jim's and i really should head back and hang out a little longer. i give b.gunn a call to see if there's anything i can pick up and head on over for some good ole fashioned bbq and good times :0) it was such a nice time to be able to kick back and relax and catch up with those i haven't seen in far far far far too long. i had a phenomenal conversation with denden about his race, my race, upcoming races, race strategies/training strategies, and life in general. we haven't chatted like that in beyond too long. i'm very glad i ended up going back cause i felt like i ended my weekend on a positive note. well, not quite ended cause i went to hang with b.gunn and a few episodes of heroes before heading home to pass out. and pass out i did!!

so, all in all this weekend had me thinkin about the invisibility factor in my life and where/when it's shown it's ugly head. there are times, like this weekend when i go wallflower and hate it. times when i feel like i don't matter cause i'm not even important to be noticed by those around me. it makes me wonder what about me it is that induces people to not care. not that they don't always care but it's just the feeling that creeps up when those moments occur. i know that's a reflection of how i view myself yet it hurts not matter where i place the blame. and i thought further on it to my family and how i am the one child left behind. through races untold, birthdays unremembered, and colts games not spectated i have been the one that quietly sustains her own. yes, it hurts when not one single person calls on race day to find out how it went. yes, it hurts that not one event has been spectated by any of them. yes, it hurts that birthdays really are forgettable. i'm the one forgotten for booze at the airport. i'm the last to know of family events. the last to know period. how did i become an afterthought in this family? my mom of course wants to talk to me but the sinking feeling is that she's prying for info on bry. how did i become the ugly duckling? granted, i am the most self-sufficient child of the bunch but that doesn't mean i should be forgotten entirely. no matter how much i know it is going to happen, the reality is that it hurts every time. all of these things rolled up into one little ball makes me want to escape from these people. because if i'm not with these people, then i won't hurt. but the hurt follows me if i hide in my room cause then the sting is that no one cares enough to call. i have a great pretense that i'm too busy to talk to or spend time with these people. it's a great excuse in both directions but the reality is that i'm tired of being hurt in friendships, relationships, and by myself in general. i'm not sure what needs to change in all of this yet i know it does need to change. i wonder if my expectations are too high or just not relayed to those for whom i have expectations. i just wonder and ponder on the whole thing.
enough for now........

~danban