totally grey

i've had this feeling lately......this totally grey and blah feeling. just down just not wanting to do anything just not motivated by anything or anyone just complacent just EXHAUSTED. sometimes i get this bizarre out of body/medicine head/light headedness and i don't know where that is coming from either. i feel like i've bounced from hobby to hobby, from group to group, from sport to sport, from something to something to something else looking for some sort of extended excitement or sense of passion about just anything. is it that i'm looking outward and not looking inward? is it that i feel that need to move again cause i've been here too long? i don't think that is it. is it that i expect too much of others and especially myself? will i find that excitement or contentment? what is it that i need? what is it that i want? how the hell am i supposed to find these answers and where do i even begin looking??
these are the endless things that run through my head. these are the thoughts that keep me up at night. i've felt these questions and thoughts building since the one year anniversary. i keep attempting to work though the questions and i keep attempting to find some sort of passion/excitement in my life and i keep coming to a dead end. the answer is somewhere within myself and the motivation is somewhere in there too but sometimes i just want to curl up and go to sleep and ignore the world. those are the P&P days and those are the days i feel my worst. those are the days i need to be dis-connected from the world and don't want to talk to anyone and want my roommie to just not be home. those are the days i don't want to think my own thoughts, feel the emotions running through my veins, don't want to expend any energy on anything. i can bring myself out of those funks but not all the way. the need to find that thing that drives me and that passion for something in life is missing. what is it and where do i find it??
i am hoping to find the light through all the grey. there are light moments but i'm just existing from moment to moment and attempting to skip over the grey. t and my friends have been awesome as distractions but it's time for me to dig in and find my passion again. they remind me that there is a world out there that is good and it really is worth living each moment to the fullest. i am ready to reach out and talk through what is going on in order to find some excitement some challenge just something that sparks this world into full color agian.

~danban