what's behind and what's ahead

i am not sorry to say that i am not sad that the past decade is done. it had it's difficult moments and it had it's wonderful moments. i'm hopeful that this next decade will bring more wonderful than difficult as i know myself and my family could use a bit of a break! no, i'm not going to do a review here as most of it is common knowledge to those who know me well. i would like to give a few shout outs though to those who have made a big impact over the last 10 years :)

to katie, my simmones, and the avery: i love you three and am blessed to have had such fulfilling and long lasting friendships with you! i am confident that the next ten years will bring more adventures, laughs, ridiculous moments, and more frequent vacations together! you've always been there when i needed someone to help keep me grounded, bring tough situations into perspective, or just make me laugh! i'm excited for what our futures hold together and as individuals. love you..... mean it!
to kate: you've meant more to myself and my family than i think you realize! you have been a rock for myself and bry and a sounding board to both i'm sure. you've always been a shoulder to lean on when things have gotten to their worst. some of my best memories are with you in them and you always find a way to make me smile or laugh. you really are my sister and an important part of my family. i love you and hopefully you know how much!









now onto a new decade and new adventures! so far the year is starting out on a positive note with a new set of tri goals, a wonderful group of friends, a very patient boyfriend, and an ironman to finish! and i'm excited for what the next ten years will hold and know that no matter what, i have amazing friends and family who will be with me every bump, step, and smile along the way :0)





much love and many hugs,
~danban

please help

thanksgiving is the time of giving and i'm asking for your help. my friend and his wife have a son who was diagnosed with tay-sachs disease which so far is incurable. Gavin is only 3 yet his life may be coming to an end soon. his parents, Ferdi and Jan, have done all that they can think of and more in order to find some hope for their baby boy.

Ferdi's cousin has put together a fundraiser for Gavin and his family as well as for a cure for tay-sachs. please visit this link and either donate or purchase some of the handmade Christmas cards to help the Marquez's.

you can read more about Gavin and his family here.

much love and thanks,
~danban

it's my time

over the last months i've gotten lots of questions coming upon race day and considering my first Iron and i've been stewing over some of them in my head for far too long so i thought i'd write it all out......

what motivates me to race at all let alone consider an Ironman?
though there are too many things to list here, i'll give you a general overview..... because there were those that thought i could and wouldn't (including at one time, myself), because my friend Tim never will have the chance, because there are so many who pass through the City of Hope who also never will have the chance, because my brother now has the chance should he choose to, because it's a place of solitude for me to work on improving myself just for myself, because i enjoy the challenge, because i want to find and break as many of my personal walls/barriers as i can find, because it allows me to see more of this glorious world that so many take for granted, because it allows me time to work through frustrations and come to peace with what troubles my mind, but mostly because i enjoy it! i enjoy the time on the bike, the solitary time in the swim yet the challenge of the master's crew, zoning out while running, training with a good group of friends, and a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day knowing that i'm out there doing something that most people don't ever aspire to attempt.

why an Ironman? why not just be content with olympic or half distances?
because it's another threshold i'm still not sure i can cross. it's more a mental barrier than a physical one as is my ongoing weigh issues. these are things i'm going to change by March 6, 2010. i'm going to do it to prove to myself that no matter the road ahead (all 140.6), i will make it to my destination and i will do it with a smile!

what will i do after New Zealand?
find a new challenge to better myself. no, it may not be a new physical goal for a while after the race but i'll no longer allow myself to become complacent. and as to physical goals......who knows! maybe i'll move onto a more difficult Iron, maybe i'll be content with halves, maybe i'll move into the world of centuries, or maybe i'll follow my father's footsteps and just keep running. only time will tell.....

i've been kicking myself the last few months because i've been slacking. in truth, i've forgotten or chosen to ignore those things that keep me going that get my blood boiling and light a fire under my arse. i disappointed myself in my last two halves and choose to remedy that for the next half and the bigger goal of New Zealand.

it's time to stop hiding behind laziness and cowardice and just put everything i've got into it. it's time to stop allowing a job to dictate my schedule more than my desire to make something better of myself. it is after all just a job and what i do there won't determine anyone's fate or move mountains. it's time to focus on a bigger picture rather than the day to day. it's time for me to get serious.

~danban

v-man round 2

race report from my second attempt at Vineman:

swim: i was wading out at the start line chatting with susan, aran, and joanna and felt myself actually calm and the plan of attack for the day was clear. my plan was to take it nice and easy and attempt to make it through the run as well as last year. we start and i actually wasn't pummeled by all the women around me which is a nice change from every other race i've done! i kept a decent rythm and even drafted for a while.

just before the turn around bouy i felt hands on my ankles and calves as the men's wave behind us had caught up to me and they were attempting to drown me in order to speed up their races. i couldn't believe it as i'm NO threat to their winning a spot for clearwater since i'm not even in their gender let alone age group! regardless, i got fed up with it and on a few of the guys frog kicked to get them to leave me alone :)

all in all, the swim felt decent though i managed to be a few minutes slower than last year. estimated time: 41 mins

t1: this is not the easiest transition as there are hard rocks underfoot and not much carpet from the swim to the actual bikes. i noticed that mine was one of the few left on my rack and attempted to get out of my wet suit as quickly as possible so i could catch up with the girls on the bike. the one mistake i made here was not having a towel to stand on or water to wash off my feet before putting them into my bike shoes so i kept trying to swipe them on my wetsuit which wasted a little time.

i packed my bag, handed it to keith, asked my time, and headed out. on the way out i saw trent and heather and picked up my run up the hill with my bike to heed trent's advice and "hammer it". estimated t1 time: 7 mins

bike: it started off a little chilly and i never quite got the feeling back into my toes through the whole of the course. my plan of attack was to keep it comfortable and not push too much as i knew the run was going to be more rough on me this year than last for lack of training. nothing spectacular about the ride. i did pass a few girls in my age group including aran and amanda. i passed the area where the tree had taken out a few competitors though all that remained was the fire trucks and a cop car.

somewhere close to the chalk hill turn i saw coach melekian and yelled for him as he flew by me. going up chalk hill i saw jason changing a tire and was surprised that he didn't pass me along the bike course on the way to t2. all in all, pretty uneventful but a very nice course and one of my favorite rides (including chalk hill)!

overall i think i actually held back a little too much on the bike and could've gotten closer to a 3 hour bike but ended up with a 3:25 bike which isn't tooooo shabby and a personal PR for this distance of a course.

t2: i heard my fam yelling as i rounded the corner into t2 and ran my bike to my spot. i got there and noticed that yet again, someone had knocked my stuff around. never fails to happen yet somehow i'm always surprised. i threw off my helmet and threw on my hat. put on the socks and shoes and grabbed my water bottle. i skipped the water over the head as i'd already put my socks and shoes on and decided to skip the sunblock as i was trying out the marty method of sunblock which i'd find out later didn't work for me! estimated time 4 mins

run: started out fabulously as jennafer was there to run the first 100 yards with me and then bry and matt were there for some pictures as i headed out on what would promise to be a VERY hot run.

i started out and right away knew i had repeated my mistake from last year as i didn't use the restroom in t2. i hit the first aide station with port o potties and had to wait but i knew i wouldn't make it another mile to the next stop so i stretched as my calves felt like solid rock. the stretching definitely helped and when i headed back out, i felt like i could possibly repeat last year's time which i'd be more than happy with!

i kept an eye out for people i knew and ended up running a bit with a breakaway girl until she dropped back. i saw coach melekian again and he looked like he was flying so i yelled something about how he looked like he was doing well and kept on movin! i later saw chris and made a peanut joke :) for the most part, i was running the flats and downhills and walking all up hills in an effort to attempt to save my legs. this is what i did last year and seemed to be working for me again.

somewhere around mile 5 or 6 i realized that i'd been socializing too much and not really paying attention to my nutrition and downed a gu and two salt tabs which would turn out to be a mistake. i got to the beginning of la crema and realized that i really should've been slower to take in that gu and started to feel sick. i walked the second pond (except where the photographer was!) and stopped a sec at the bathroom past the aide station.

i passed jason as i was leaving for mile 7 and he was just getting to la crema. i was really starting to feel the heat and the improper nutrition on the beginning of my run so was walking more than just the uphills which was discouraging.

i hear a panting and feel a bit of water on my left shoulder and realize that BG is now walking next to me! it was great to see him even if he did look about like i felt :) i really didn't think i was going to be able to keep up with him but we ended up running the rest together which was a lifesaver for me!! i'd talk us into and out of running and walking and since he was there, i talked us into more running than either of us really wanted to do.

we saw veva and yelled some encouragements back and forth, saw penny and paused for a hug, saw jodi and praised her swim as we all knew she was more than capable, saw iris and encouraged her to just keep on keepin on. saw steve at the last aide station and knew we only had about a mile and a quarter left. we ran the first stretch, then walked a bit so we could run the last mile into the finish. we ran into the finisher's chute and though we were going to die but knew we HAD to finish with a good run so put the gas back on :0) estimated run time 3 hrs, 11 mins

it was great to finish with BG and see my fam there cheering and taking pictures and see Team there being supportive even if i did only train with them a handful of times!

all in all, not a bad race even though i really felt like i should have done better. i've been kickin my butt about the fact that i really should've trained more and let work take more of a back seat. good lessons for pumpkin man and Ironman New Zealand!

~danban

dazed and confused

there's a hole in my heart like one of the four that took the life of my dear friend. others may not notice on a daily basis but it's there and Tim's never far from my thoughts and love. he had so much love to give and gave it freely. he was one of the most generous souls you could ever hope to meet and i wish you all could have met him. he was truly unforgettable, larger than this world could hold, and gave bear hugs like no other ever has. i miss his smile, his laugh, his love, his sparkling eyes when he was up to mischievous things.......i just miss my friend.

i find i have an inability to interact with people today as i feel that they should be as impacted by today's loss as i am. i get frustrated that they don't understand what a loss i'm feeling and that they should feel. i know it's ridiculous but i just can't help feeling that others need to understand the pain i feel on this day. so, i hide behind my headphones and keep plugging away at work that seems tedious.

what i really want to do is go back to sleep and skip this day entirely though i know that won't take away the reality that two years ago today my friend was killed and is gone forever. i still half expect to see him pop his head over the fence at every bbq and clean up all the food yet uneaten. yet that food gets packed away as left overs and there is no Tim to drop by for a beer and bbq.

once again i'm lost in my own world of memories and emotion. tends to freak out everyone around me as i am typically their rock. today this rock crumbles with the knowledge that in an instant, life was taken from someone who deserved far better from this world than the end he met. i can't help but linger in memories of Tim as they're all we have left. yes, getting together and telling Tim stories helps build new memories with him but it's just not the same. it can't possibly be the same if he's not there to punctuate it with his laugh. and so i'll float though this day and tomorrow won't be quite as painful......

"Float"

Drank away the rest of the day,
Wonder what my liver would say,
Drink... That's all you can.

Blackened days With their bigger gales,
Blow in your parlor to discuss the day,
Listen... That's all you can.

Ah but don't, no don't sink the boat,
That you built, you built to keep afloat.
Ah no don't, no don't sink the boat,
That you built...

Sick and tired of what to say,
No one listens anyway,
Sing... That's all you can.

Rambling years of lousy luck,
Ya miss the smell of burning turf,
Dream... That's all you can.

Ah but don't, no don't sink the boat,
That you Built, you built to keep afloat,
Ah no don't, no don't sink the boat,
That you built... That you built to keep afloat.

Singled out for who you are,
Takes all types to judge a man,
Feel... That's all you can.

Filthy suits with bigger ears,
Hide behind their their own worst fears,
Live... That's all you can.

It's all you can.
It's all you can... do.

No matter where I put my head,
I wake up feeling sound again,
Breath... It's all you can.

Tomorrow smells of less decay,
The flowers create this blooming fray,
Be thankful... That's all you can.

Ah but don't, don't sink the boat,
That you Built, you built to keep afloat.


i'll leave work early today and go visit Tim on my own terms. feel that cold marble that holds all that remains of my friend. get all puffy faced from crying even though i'm sure that's not what Tim would want. it just feels impossible to celebrate the life of someone you miss so terribly. i may seem partially absent today as i did last year but please be patient with me and let me reflect on the short time i did have with my friend.


hold all that you love dear to you and let everyone you love know it on a regular basis as you'll never know when your last embrace, conversation, smile shared will be.

much love and sorrow
~danban

the wrong kind of family reunion

our family went and visited a lost yet never forgotten friend yesterday. i learned from the Traaen's that the destroyer of lives is going away for a bare minimum of 20 years because he was already a convicted felon and was in possession of a gun. Mason was heavily involved in gangs and even has shooting charges against him for attempting to kill his partners in crime. there are a total of 24 counts against the three and they were indicted on 23 of them. the devil incarnate is charged with 19, one of witch includes murdering my friend. his trial is set for Dec 6th though will probably get pushed out to Jan or Feb as it's too close to the holidays. seems odd to me that we get to tip toe around other people's holidays when Tim will never get to celebrate with us again. sad and cruel reality.

i wonder that a man like Mason can have 5 shooting charges against him and hold absolutely no respect or regard for life. it must be so since he didn't consider the impacts of what he's done to those of us who are left with only memories. the emptiness that's left behind from having a life so full and promising taken from your reality, is immense and impossible to ignore.

those memories we cherish and share with each other because as long as we have those, he'll be alive within our hearts. it was great to spend time with Mara yesterday and i am glad we are going to be able to get together now outside of this July time frame. i hope it'll be a better way to heal. it was wonderful to hear her stories of Tim as i know she looks forward to hearing ours.

i feel exhausted and numb. my heart is heavy and my eyes are red from lack of sleep and crying. the loss still hurts and is impossible to ignore. i'll visit again tomorrow as the 14th was the day this world lost Timmy.

~danban

dedication or idoicy......you choose

yesterday was one of those days no one can plan for but i like to think i handled myself well......

starts with me working on a very high maintenance client who wants to hear back on any issues/concerns/questions/thoughts back immediately and thinks the world is crumbling if he doesn't. you know the type who thinks your sitting at your desk awaiting his every remark and is pissed when he thinks you're not paying enough attention to him. i'll take that as a good enough picture painted.

just before 10:30 one of the bosses and the high maintenance/self-important/holier-than-thou developer walk in and i sink in my chair. first thing spoken is me blurting "whatever it is, i promise i didn't do it!!" they both laugh and the boss asks if i can put aside what i'm working on to help the dev for 2 hours. i am floored - the golden boy needs assistance from a lowly pa?! has the world ended?? are we in hell and is it time for a snowball fight?!?!?! no, he's just a lazy ass who doesn't want to do this remedial task - yay me.

i agree to do the few hours work (cause i'm not going to say no to the boss) and find out that i'm building a new environment, upgrading it, upgrading sql to '08 which none of us have successfully used, restoring an environment all to get one file for a VERY high profile client. yay - plenty of potential for disaster here and i am NOT giddy to get started. so of course i move immediately into action and start with the new environment.

all goes well until i reach the time to restore the backed up environment. ummmmmmm - what do you mean one of the databases is restoring to 17GB?!?! my entire image is only 20!!!! fuck - where are we going to find that kind of space?? and how large are the other three backups???

so i end up wiping out my personal external drive, re-formatting it, and start the process of creating 100GB new drive. this apparently takes 2 1/2 hours which at the time i was blissfully unaware of. all i know is that i need to leave in a half hour to exchange the loaner car for my baby that's in the shop at the moment.

figuring i had enough battery power to get me through this escapade i leave for escondido with the disc still creating away in my passenger seat. talk about the worst traffic day since i've moved to cali. it took an hour to get from my office to the shop at which point my laptop battery is down to 25 minutes remaining and i've got a quarter of the damn disc left to create! fuck! this is a drive that should take half that time at most. plus i'm getting constantly ping'd for updates from a PM who is very high strung.

i switch cars out and am headed out to ramona from there and figure i can get it done in 20 mins no problem!! oh i was SO wrong and of course hit every light between the dealership and the main stretch of the 78 that gets to ramona. so now i'm panicking and need to find anyplace to plug the damn thing in so it doesn't die and i don't lose 2 hours of work.

i call a co-worker who lives really close to the local i currently am sitting and she cannot figure out where the hell i am though knows i'm close. this doesn't help as i now have 7 minutes to plug in the laptop or lose it all and start over.

in sheer desperation i pull into a dirt driveway leading up to a barn where people are outside sitting on horses and beg to plug my laptop in for the remaining 10-15 mins i need to finish creating this cursed disc. they politely look at me like i'd done lost my mind yet graciously agree that i can plug the piece of crap in so the job will finish.

my co-worker tracks me down and we patiently pet the ponies while waiting for my laptop to finish. ridiculous but true and no, you can't make this shit up.

so was it sheer dedication to my job that drove me to a barn to beg for electricity or complete idiocy that keeps me that devoted to a machine??

~danban